A Stoner and a Vampire
by Oats The Pantless
Summary: Tsukune wasn't sure about his new friend, the only other human at a school by monsters for monsters. And it didn't help that his 'new friend' was never serious about anything. He was always carrying around a large messenger bag. Any time he needed anything, its like it was always there. The weird thing is, for a human he sure seemed to not mind monsters.
1. Wake N Bake

It was a sunny morning, and by 'sunny' I mean overcast, dark, and foggy at 5AM, so typical in this rural area. A bus pulls up to a bus stop. The bus stop was typical looking, class sides and a couple people mindlessly scrolling on their phones.

"Hey kid, going to Yokai Academy?"

"Ayo boss, yeah. Decided to transfer, you drive there?"

The young man stepping onto the bus was disheveled, to say the least. Shaggy medium length hair crushed under a stylized hat.

"Frequently, I drive everyone in the land to the fabled school." The old man in the driver's seat said, tipping his hat and blowing a puff of smoke out.

"Oh shit, it's cool to smoke in here?"

"Ye- wait, what?"

A puff of smoke was all he got as the shaggy teen had already lit up his own cigar. Only to have it pulled out of his mouth.

"No, I'm the only one that can smoke. How'd you get this anyway?"

The teen snatched it back, "I'm 18 man, but never mind, is coo bruv."

Before the old man could grab it again, it was already snuffed and shoved in the bag.

"Just drive man, we ain't got time to spare. By the way, it cool if I change?"

The old man could only sigh, muttering "_Fucking foreigners."_

About thirty minutes later a young man climbed into the bus, immediately creeped out by the busdriver.

He tried to motion to the second person he saw, another kid his age, wearing what looked like a flannel shirt with pinstripe pants. An odd combination, but he couldn't judge. The sunglasses he was wearing was a bit over the top.

"_Excuse me, are you going to Yokai too?_"

"Ayo what? Oh shit, you scared me man, I was almost asleep. Whatcha say boss?"

"_What? English?"_

"_You speak Japanese?"_ The other teen asked in broken Japanese

"_Yes, Yokai is a Japanese School."_

"Oh shit, forreal? Fuck I think there mighta been a mistake."

"_What?"_

The teen tapped the busdriver pulling out a bunch of papers.

"Hey, sir, this says I'm supposed to go to Yokai Academy, is that right? That kids speaking Japanese. He said something about it being a Japanese school and I'm freaked out right now."

"Don't worry, they remove language barriers at Yokai Academy."

"Ayo, what? What does that mean?"

Just in time for the group to pass through a tunnel. The inside of the tunnel was a kaleidoscope of colors, swirling and spring an array of colors.

"Aw fuck no, imma fixin to trip boss."

The teen fell back, silent staring out the window.

"_Fucking foreigners."_

After another couple minutes of driving, the bus slowed to a stop.

"Alright boys, time to get off."

"Aw fuck, I made it. I'm alive. Holy shit, that was amazing."

The other teen tried to gently brush past the panicking teen and getting off the bus.

When both the boys were off the bus, they looked around.

"Red water, huh. Could be worse I suppose, hope its cheerwine."

"Cheerwine?"

"Yeah, cheerwine, ever have it? It's pretty damn good dude-"

"No, I can understand you. You're speaking perfect japanese."

"Nah dude, that's you. Speaking perfect english. Wait, I saw this in a movie once!"

"No, no movies! Let's just get to the school."

"No man, you don't understand, this could be magic shit dude. Magic! You know how cool magic is?!"

"I'd watch my back if I were you boys, Yokai Academy is a scary place…heh heh heh."

"Imma just ignore that. C'mon my friend lets make like a tree and get the fuck out of here."

"Dear Diary, we're lost. The woods have taken a hold of me, I fear I might eat Tsukune before me we make it out. Wish me luck, he's skinny but atleast its food."

The two boys started their walk towards the school through the woods. Dark and foreboding were the surroundings, but the brave students trekked on. They did simple introductions, both being confused as cultural differences caused problems. Tsukune being shortened to Tsu and Allen being shortened to still Allen.

"Shut up Allen, you're not funny."

"Damn, way to be a dick tickler."

"A what?!"

"A -woah hold up. You hear that?"

The two teens stopped, hearing what sounded like a bell.

"Tsu, move my dude, youse about to get fucked by a bike."

"I'm about to be what?"

And then a bike flew through the path, smashing into Tsukune's side, followed by a tall, pink haired highschool girl.

"I warned you."

The young man and woman tangled on the ground had a slight altercation, at Tsukune's expense and Allen's enjoyment. Once both of them were off the ground and standing, they started to introduce each other.

"I'm sorry, I just got so dizzy." She said, taking out a handkerchief. "Here your nose is bleeding...wait… I can't…" She started to say, face red.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Tsukune asked her taking the handkerchief.

"I can't help it… Because I'm a vampire!" She said, chomping down onto his neck.

"What?"

"Ah! You bit me!? Why did you bite me?"

"Are you two going to Yokai too?" She asked, seeming to have cheered up completely.

"Uh, yeah we are. And you?"

"I mean, you two just gonna try and skirt around what just happened? You nibbled his carotid artery my dude."

"Yes! I'm going too… But, can I ask you something? What's your opinion on vampires?"

"Well, they're not bad I guess. If you wanna call yourself a vampire more power to you."

"What the hell is going on?"

They both looked to the American student, waiting.

"Shit, you want my answer too?"

Both Japanese students nodded.

The shaggy American brought his right hand up into the air, pretending to hold something.

"Tsu-Jo! I reject my humanity!"

"..." "..."

"Neither of you got that reference? Fuck me I guess, yeah I like vampires.

"If that's the case, then we should be friends! I'm Moka Akashiya."

"Hello! I'm Tsukune Aono."

"Ayo, I'm Allen." He said, helping the two up to their feet. "And just an FYI, we need to get both of you some crunchyroll or Imma start posin and I'll just look like an idiot."

"We'll get right on that, but first we need to get to school. We've probably wasted too much time as it is!"

They made their way to the school. Seperating to find where they are supposed to be in the meeting hall. With the three separated, Allen started to mingle~.

Pulling up to his spot, he swung his arms over the two kids situated next to him. "Sup my dudes, how's the seats?"

They both looked completely uncomfortable.

"Umm, they're good thank you."

The kid to his left looked meak to be kind. Short, frail, and skittish. Thin, circle-rimmed glasses sat on his face. On his chest was a little nametag. Metal, printed, and held in place by a pin. The name 'Rio' on the front. The absolute definition of the phrase "Nerd".

To his right, a near complete contrast. Easily taller than Allen and the other kid combined. His uniform was two sizes too small. It looked like it would tear if he even looked the wrong way. All he did was grab Allen's arm and pull it off his shoulder.

"Well, Rio, No-name, I think you and I are gonna be good friends."

"My name is Kurt. Kurt Kawakami." The taller man to his right said.

"And I'm Rio Deziro. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Well boys, I'm Allen. You'll see me around this place and if you do come say 'Hi.'"

"Where is your uniform?" Rio asked.

"Fuck."

The boys also separated, going to their respective classes. Immediately entering the room was awkward. A foriegn kid, wearing clothes outside the regulated school uniform, and carrying a non-uniform bag. Specifically, a messenger bag stuffed full.

"Ayyyyyyy." He called out as he saw Tsukune at the back of the class.

"Waddup boss, fancy seeing you here."

"Uh, yeah. Good to see you too Allen."

"And you," He said, pointing to the girl behind him. She was wearing a yellow sweatshirt, definentally outside the dress code. "Love the clothes, lookin good."

The girl just scoffed at him.

He looked around the classroom, taking notes on everyone in class.

"Wow, feels like I should have changed into the uniform… Nah, I like my clothes, right Tsu?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Damn Tsu, you tired or something? Or are you lovestruck over the pink haired girl from this morning?"

"No! I-I'm just tired."

"Damn dude, no need to act like a protag. Just chill. She was cute, I can't blame you. Not my type though, I'm afraid."

The class started when the homeroom teacher walked in, she started giving a usual spiel that Tsukune had heard many times before. He rested his head on his arm and sighed, lookin out the window.

"And most importantly, don't reveal your monster form! That's forbidden at this school."

"Wait, monster forms?"

"Hey teach, what do we do if human gets on campus? Cus I've been smelling two humans since I walked in here."

"That's impossible, as this school is surrounded by a barrier to keep humans out. And if one WAS found, they would be killed."

"Killed?!"

The class stopped and turned to Tsukune. He panicked and covered his face, looking away and sweating bullets.

He sneaked a glance to Allen, who was leaning back in his chair with his sunglasses on.

Just then, the door slammed open and in walked a familiar face.

"Hello everyone! Sorry I'm late, I got lost. My name is Moka Akashiya!"

The class erupted in cheers as the boys looked on.

The sudden change in atmosphere woke Allen up and he looked around.

"Woah, what the fuck did I miss Tsu?"

"Tsukune! Allen!"

"Woah, Moka!"

The pink haired girl jumped onto the plain teen, crushing him in a hug.

"Ayyy, nice Tsu. Cop a feel or something boss."

Only to get smacked in the back of the head. The blue haired girl behind him smacking him with a fan.

"What kinda cultural acceptance is this shit?"

"Allen Dojonero?"

"Ayo present!"

"No, come up here!"

"Oh shit, my bad teacher."

The boy pulled himself out of the seat and stepped up front.

"Please introduce yourself."

"Ayo everyone. I'm Allen. Allen Dojonero. You can call me whatever man, I'll answer to it. Allen, Al, Dojo, JoJo, Nero, I'll answer dude."

"Perfect, take your seat."

"Fair enough."

After class Tsukune got pulled off by Moka. They tried to invite Allen but he was immediately flooded with people.

"So you're from America? Your Japanese is amazing!"

"Yeah dude, I dunno. I can't speak well usually but once I got here I can speak it. Shits crazy!"

"What made you decide to attend here? Don't they have Yokai schools in America?"

"I dunno dude, the bus driver just drove me here. I'm along for the ride.

A couple of the other kids introduced themselves. Being confused by his need to shake hands and wipe them afterwards. Most refused, but a couple of the more open boys agreed, a couple girls as well, so Score One: Allen. Score Two: Tsukune.

After classes, Tsukune, Moka, and Allen all grouped together and explored the campus.

"So, like, you're a legit vampire?"

"For the millionth time, yes! What's so hard to believe about that?"

"I told you Tsu. Magic. Shit. Just like in the move!"

"The movie?"

"Just, stop Moka. It's not worth it."

"Well, if you're okay with a Vampire, then thank you!"

"Aw hell yeah I'm cool with vampires! Can you fly and shit? Like not while a bat?"

"That's actually one of the misconceptions! There are actually several, but there are some that are correct. For example; water…"

Moka began to detail nearly every weakness and strength of a vampire. Allen noticed Tsukune zoning out, and followed his line of sight. Right to a chest.

"Smooth Tsu."

"What?" Both Moka and Tsukune said.

"Nothin, don't worry about it. So, Moka, think you can show us to our rooms, I can't read the signs yet, magics probably running out."

"Oh, sure!"

Both boys made it to their dorms, despite Allen's best attempts at steering them the wrong way with nonsensical points like.

"Damn, this would be perfect for a bench man, I can chill out here."

"Oh shit, look at that tree dude, it's got a mean lookin face dude."

"Ayo, did you just see a girl with blue hair?"

After making it to the dorm, Tsukune and Allen left Moka to go to their rooms, finding each other to be neighbors. The rooms, however, couldn't be any different. Tsukune's room was in a traditional dorm room style. Tatami mat, futon, small kitchenette. Allen's on the other hand, was 'American'.

The biggest glaring error was the shag carpet. A far cry from the tatami and tile floors. The bed was the same, except larger than it should have been. It was easily standing a couple feet off the floor and endlessly fluffy. Besides that, a regular desk, his TV, a couple of systems, and all of his books.

"Oh shit, I love this place already. Wait, what if I have a balcony?!"

He ran through the room, nearly tripping on the carpet and running to a small door in the back of the room. He opened it, and barreled thru.

"Aw fuck yeah! Its to the ROOF BABY!"

"So, you're telling me, this is a school for monsters?"

The two boys were sitting on the roof of the dorm. One with a long pipe and the other eating a small bowl of noodles.

"Yeah! And if they find a human they kill them!"

"Damn dude. Thats wack."

"Wack?! We are going to die!"

"What do you mean we? I'm not human."

Tsukune backed off in horror. "Y-y-you're not human?!"

"Nah, I'm human dude. I'm just fucking with you. If YOU are a monster, please just kill me when I'm done. I'll probably taste better."

"No-no-no-no-no I'm human too!"

"Aw, sick nasty my friend…"

"Yeah, and this guy named Saizou Komiya threw me into a vending machine. It really hurt Dojo."

"Woah, seriously? Shit dude, you want some? It'll make the pain go away." He asked, passing the pipe to Tsukune who denied it.

"No, thank you. How did you get this anyway, isn't it illegal to smoke in non-designated areas?"

"Shit dude, I couldn't smoke this IN those places. This the good shit." He said, turning to his other side and holding it out. "You want some too?"

"What are you doing Allen, there's no one there."

"Nah dude, I'm talking about the guy hiding over there. Yeah I see you bruv, now come and join us."

From the shadows emerged a figure. A figure of a girl, kinda short but wearing very odd clothes. A sweater with the shoulders cut out. A skirt, kneesocks, and a belt hanging limply.

"Yeah, you! You want some American spice?"

The girl walked up quietly and sat beside the two before hesitantly taking the pipe.

"..."

"..."

"Who are yo-"

"No no Tsu, let her take her time. She'll figure it out eventually."

The three sat in silence as the girl studied the pipe. Before putting it in her mouth and sucking in a small puff of ash.

"C'mon lassie, you've been watchin' me fur the past thirty minutes! Ya hafta had learned sumthin!" Allen said in a failing attempt at a scottish accent.

She threw the pipe back at him embarrassed and ran, disappearing immediately.

Tsukune and Allen sat in silence.

"Wait, did that shit just happen or am I trippin?"

"Maybe we should just go back inside." Tsukune said, finishing off his noodles.

"Fair enough, I got the munchies something fierce. Lemme show you some real American Cuisine. I'm fixing to go Guy Fieri on yo ass Tsu."

"Who?"


	2. Better Ditch This Party

So, realized that FanFiction doesn't like my way of breaking the story apart. Apparently, using "-=- -=- -=-" in a line break causes nothing to happen. Glad to know, lets see if this works better in this chapter.

*LINEBREAK*

"Are you… absolutely shitting me?"

"I can't do it Allen! They're gonna eat me, I know it! We need to get out of here! That Saizou guy was threatening to kill me!"

Tsukune was desperately holding onto the taller foreign student. Classes had just finished for the day, and they both decided to meet up on the roof. Allen wearing his normal outfit of whatever pair of pants he could find, whatever shirt he could find, and a soft and hooded robe. Messenger bag included of course Tsukune, on the other hand, was still in his school outfit, albeit with the top shirt unbuttoned.

"Tsukune my dude, if you're not up to tango and you gotta leave, then maybe you should. I don't know how schools work over here, but you could probably just get a transfer to a new school."

Tsukune then tried to explain to him how schools worked in Japan, which would have been infinitely interesting had the American not decide to light up just before Tsukune got there.

"Damn dude, that's whack. So you gotta pay to go to highschool?"

"Well, not exactly- but that doesn't matter right now… I already packed my bags," he said, motioning to the two bags he had with him, "and I'm ready to leave."

"Damn dude, you're actually gonna leave. Fair enough man, it does seem pretty dangerous. Let me walk with boss, gotta walk my first homie here home after all. Heh, rhymes."

The two students walked down to the gate of the school, leading into the woods.

"Tsukune! Allen! Where are you two going?"

Tsukune turned around to see Moka running up to the both of them. Allen stopped a couple feet away and pulled out a small wrap and lit it up, stepping back and letting the two talk.

"Tsukune… where are you going with your bags?"

"Moka, I can't stay here! I don't fit at this school… and I think I should just go to a human school."

Moka's attitude immediately changed, she looked terrified at the prospect. "You can't go to a human school! You know how horrible they are, humans are the worst! They're all judgemental and hateful!"

"Oof."

"Moka, why do you hate humans so much?"

"I went to a human school for several years, and all I experienced was harassment. They always thought I was weird and would bully me."

"Moka, all schools are like that."

"It was so very lonely there." She said, starting to tear up and grabbing the bag in his hands. "I thought things would be lonely everywhere I went, until I came to Yokai and found you! If you leave, I'll be alone again!"

"Double oof."

"Mostly alone."

"But Moka, if I stay here I'll die!"

"No you won't, I'll protect you, just don't go back to those humans!"

"Moka, I'm a human!"

They both silently looked at each other, Moka tearing up and Tsukune red faced and pulling his bag away.

"There's no way… That can't be true…"

"Well it is! It was a mistake for me to even be here! After all, humans are just the worst, right? Sorry, but I won't be sticking around to be killed!" He said, grabbing his other bag and running into the woods.

"Well fuck, maybe I should follow him."

Moka cried to herself before running after him.

"Fuck, guess I gotta follow now." He said, puffing out, fixing his bag, and breaking out into a light walk. "At my own pace."

-Line Break-

By the time Allen reached the other two, the place turned into a real shitshow. A female scream caused Allen to hurry up and break from a light walk to a sprint until he reached a clearing.

Moka was being held in the air by her leg from what appeared to be a long tongue. The tongue attached to a monster, about 10 feet tall and built like a footballer's wet dream.

"Get the hell away from her now!" Tsukune said, coming out of the thicket at the same time.

"Argh! You two nuisances can scram! She's mine now, you two can leave or die! Ahahaha!"

Tsukune and Allen quickly ran up to him, Tsukune grabbing Moka by the arm while Allen pulled a knife out of his bag and quickly cut into the tongue. Not cutting through it, but enough to make him let go.

"AHHHH! MY TONGUE! I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT DAMN FOREIGNER!"

Saizou started to swing his arms around rapidly, hitting Moka causing her to fly into Tsukune and off into the thicket.

"You two run to the cheerwine! I'll take care of the brick shithouse then."

Tsukune looked confused for a moment, before nodding, grabbing Moka, and running.

"Who are you calling a brick shithouse?! Once I smash you I'm killing that annoying prick Tsukune and taking Moka for myself!"

"Cool mate, what's your beef with those two anyway? You secretly love Tsukune and hate that Moka is getting close to him?"

"What?"

"Aw damn, I knew it mate, I can try to get Tsukune to go on a date with you, but no promises my du-FUCK!" Allen was saying, before he was cut short by a tongue flashing out, grabbing him by the leg and slinging him into a tree with a resounding crack.

"Is that all? Nothing can stand up to an Orc!"

Allen was completely still as the orc approached him. Saizou picked him up by an arm, holding his limp body.

"Pathetic, BEGONE!" Saizou said, rearing back and flinging Allen into the woods. "Now to get those two…"

He traveled through the woods, following the faint scent left behind by Moka. It took a couple of minutes, as he kept losing her scent. Eventually, he clambered out of the woods to find Moka and Tsukune at the stop where the bus drops everyone off.

"Hehe, found you!"

"Tsukune! We need to run!"

"No Moka, you need to run! You may hate humans, but I still want to be your friend! I'll wait here for Allen and hold Saizou off, you need to get a teacher or just get away, now!"

"No Tsukune, I won't leave you! You're my first friend and I'm not gonna lose you!"

"Bah, what's all this lovey dovey shit, I'll just eat him right now."

"Nah you ain't cunt!"

-Line Break-

"Are you… *cough cough* absolutely shitting me…" Allen coughed out, coming to hanging from a tree.

Looking to his left arm, finding it bent the wrong way, he laid back on the branch holding him up.

"Maybe I should stay here and wait. Yeah, the pains starting to set in, could use with another smoke. Or, maybe I got something in here…"

With his working right arm he snaked his hand into his bag. An impressive feat, figuring both the bag and his body were wrapped around the tree like a Christmas decoration. He pulled out a small wrapped cigar, filled with uncounted goodies.

"Fuck, a light…"

Rummaging around in his bag again, he pulled out a zippo, popped the cigar in his mouth, and lit it. Breathing in, holding, then breathing out.

"Yeah, this is doing nothing."

Screaming in the distance caused him to jump.

"And breaktime is over, time to get out of this tree, set my arm, and eat ass. And I'm all out of tree. Wait…"

Unwrapping himself from the confines of mother nature, Allen fall down unceremoniously to the earthy ground.

"Ah! Fuck! Immense pain, only pain, all the fucking pain! I'm gonna kill that orc bastard with my own goddamn hand when I'm done."

Getting up and wincing, he quickly took a look at his arm. Noticing it was indeed fucked up he decided that his lack of medical experience told him, 'fuck it, it'll never work again,' and made a brisk pace to where the shriek came from.

After a couple seconds of following the noise, he found himself at the top of a cliff behind the orc.

"Bah, what's all this lovey dovey shit, I'll just eat him right now."

"Nah you ain't cunt!"

And he jumped.

Landing on the orcs back, he pulled a small pocket knife out of his bag and dug it into the orc's shoulder. The knife made it about an inch into the monster's shoulder before snapping completely.

"Well ain't that a load of bulls-HIT!"

Saizou grabbed the American off of his back and flung him towards the other two.

"Now that you three are together, it'll be a lot easier cleaning up the evidence."

"Hey Tsukune, good time to say we're fucked yet?"

Both Tsukune and Moka were on the ground holding each other, and Allen reached a hand out to help them up.

"Allen, your arm… will it be okay?" Moka asked, pointing to his left arm.

"Ah, tis a flesh wound my fair maiden. Now, I think you two should run because this guy is going to kill both of us and eat you, in every sense of the word. If it helps he's gonna eat us too, but only in some senses of the word."

"Moka, you need to get out of here, let Allen and I handle this. I may be human, but I want to protect you!"

"Tsukune, I'm not gonna leave! I don't care if you're a human, I want to be your friend and more!"

"Yeah, wait, 'and more?'"

As Tsukune went to help Moka up after Allen helped him up, he slipped and fell onto Moka. There was a snap and the entire world changed.

First there was a flash of light, blinding everyone. Bats swarmed Moka, as her body changed. Her normally cotton candy pink hair changed to a sheer white, eyes a deep crimson and body growing.

Standing up and pushing Tsukune off of her, the newly unleashed Moka stood forward.

"Are you the one to attempt to attack me, and throw yourself upon me?"

"What?! An S-Class monster?! Y-you're a real vampire! Oh man, once the guys hear I can beat up a vampire I'll be the king."

"Hey, Moka, what the fuck just happened?" Allen asked, stepping up beside her and poking her in the side. "You legit just grew almost a full foot and now you're hair is all white and shit. It looks good, but… why?"

She responded by grabbing his bad arm and pulling causing a sickening snap to be heard as his arm was ripped back into place.

"GYAH! FUCK! WHY!" Allen asked, flailing on the ground.

"And you! You need to shut up…" she said, approaching the orc who suddenly felt the immense monster power looming over him. "And learn your place!"

Only to get kicked into the side of the cliff, knocked out completely.

She, now finished, walked back to Tsukune and pulled something out of his hand. A small, silver rosary.

"Tsukune, no matter what the other Moka says, you are nothing but a food source to me, and I don't let anyone touch my stuff." She finished, connecting the rosary to the collar around her neck and passing out.

From the ground, Allen called out. "What the fuck just happened?"


	3. One Thot Two Thot

The day started with Allen and Tsukune walking to classes.

"So Tsu, I've been wondering. Is your neighbor a devil or a demon?"

It's been a couple weeks since school started, and everyone was still having trouble staying in their human form.

"Really not phased by the fact that they're monsters, are you?"

That is, except for the two humans. Tsukune and Allen both woke up, got dressed, and were ready to leave.

"Don't be racist Tsukune, theres a difference between the two. Like infernal versus abyssal."

Tsukune always made sure to be clean and ready, brushing his teeth and making sure his clothes were washed, ironed, and neat.

"Its not racist! I'm just worried about-"

Allen steps out his room wearing a towel, wet shoulder length hair obstructing his sight and music playing out the room. Brushing his teeth, flossing, and mouthwash he goes back in, pulls out an outfit from his closet and leaves.

"Tsukune! Morning, it's so nice to see you!"

Moka came up from behind and latched onto Tsukune.

"Moka! It's good to see you too."

"Good morning Allen, it's glad to see your arm healed." I said, raising my pitch

"Oh! And you Allen, good morning. I am glad that your arm healed you know, it's just Tsukune here… he always smells so delicious!"

From behind there were several guys glaring at Tsukune angrily and muttering.

"How dare he latch onto Moka like that!"

"Yeah, that should be me!"

"I hear him and the foreign kid were able to take down Saizou themselves, they don't look like they could pull that off easily."

"We can always see how strong they really are."

"Oi, you wanna come say that to my face fuckers! I'll shine my goddamn boots with your tongue when I shove my size 16 foot up your ass."

"Shit, scatter!" They said, running off.

"Allen, can you NOT antagonize them? Just in case you forgot we're still.. you know!"

"Pipe it Tsu, if they think we were the ones to do it, act tough and they'll think we DID do it." Taking a blunt out of my bag and lighting it. "They'd fight us either way, best to try and scare me off first."

"You really think that's gonna work?" Moka asked.

"Fuck if I know, worked back at home. Only difference is I could back it up there. These monsters can use me as a wet wipe they're so stupidly overpowered. I might have to invest in some Van Helsing slash Doomguy armaments. Hey Tsu, think I'll look better in plate mail or leather?"

"Leather, absolutely. I call dibs on the plate."

"Haha! Now you're gettin into it Tsu. I might just be able to corrupt you yet."

From behind the wood lines, a blue haired girl stared down at the group.

***SPACING***

"Holy shit, I'm already baked. Class is gonna be fun as hell."

"Allen, are all Americans like you?"

"Fucking absolutely my dude. At Least the ones my age and shit. Hell, I knew some thirty and forty year olds that could out smoke me any day."

"Alright, but how are you doing in school? You're under the influence in every class, right?"

"Dude, absolutely. And I'm failin."

"WHAT?!" Moka and Tsukune screamed.

"Yo, chill. It was a joke. Made nothing but straight A pluses since I got here. Except that Katakana stuff, cant read it. I'm trying to get the teacher to except me since, you know, 'Murica."

"Wait, straight A pluses?"

"Yeah, you know, a 100? Nothing missed? That kinda thing."

Both Moka and Tsukune stopped to stare at him, to which he stopped and froze up.

"What? Whats wrong? Why we stoppin?"

"You haven't missed a SINGLE question in any quiz or test, so far?" Moka asked.

"Nah, why? Are you having trouble? I thought Japanese schools would be harder, but its nothin compared to back home. My parents wanted me to go to a private school, had AP classes and everything. It was hard as hell."

"Tsukune, is Allen secretly super smart?"

"I don't know Moka, and at this point, I'm scared to find out."

"Dude, same. You ever wonder what it would be like to wake up a genius? To just suddenly wake up and know everything in existence?"

"Anyway, Tsukune, I'm sure you might get lonely with Allen being the only other human here. So if you need anything from me just ask! I'll help however I can!"

"Thank you." Tsukune said, looking lovingly into Moka's eyes.

Moka stared back, a blush forming on her face. Before falling feint and leaning against him.

"I'm sorry." And she bit into his neck.

"Thank fuck, that shit was getting cringy."

Tsukune pulled away, holding his neck and running side to side. "Ah, you can't treat me like I'm your breakfast! Ahhhh!"

And he ran away.

"Damn, Tsukune fled from battle."

"Oh, do you think I messed up?"

"Yeah, probably. But he'll forgive you. You know he likes you, right? I know theres some Japanese thing about not confessing your feelings, but fuck all that waiting shit, atleast ask him out on a date or something. Guys are already nervous as shit about rejection, so you goin first would be a 100 percent success. Better do it before some thot walks in and steals him. Who knows what he's doing when I'm not watching him."

"Do you really think he needs someone to watch over him."

"..."

"Good point."

***MORE SPACING***

Both Moka and I separated. Moka to look for Tsukune and me for some breakfast.

Putting on some jams, I walked into the cafeteria of the school, noticing several classmates and a couple people that I've come to know.

"Ay Jizo, lookin good boss. Hows that knee doin?"

"Good Allen, It is good to see you too."

"And Susuna, you're lookin mighty fine today if my eyes do see clear. How are you beautiful?"

"I'm doing absolutely fine, and not half bad yourself mister."

"Got a bit of that exotic charm, don't I."

"Absolutely, don't be late to class now."

"Never am, once I find my seat its my home."

A trio of students came up to me, all mumbling to each other.

"I'm telling you, he's not gonna do it."

"Of course he will, you know how foreigners are, they're open to anything."

"Hey, Allen!"

"Yo, wassup my stooges."

"Stooges? No, forget that, would you like to make a trade?"

"Depends on the trade my dudes."

He motions down for me to bring my ear down, to which I do.

"So listen, we know you got some fun stuff, and we were wondering if you'd be willing to garner a trade for your best seasonings."

"You tryin to buy some pot?"

"SHHH!" The three shushed me.

"Dude, you don't need to be fancy and shit, just hit me up after classes and I gotcha. Rat me out tho, and I'll gut you like a fucking fish. And trust me, they'll never find whats left."

The three paled and scurried off, leaving behind a trio of 'thanks'.

I got my plate of breakfast, some sort of rolled egg omelet covered in chives. I stopped to put some ketchup on it, giving it a real authentic American charm.

"Oh shit, is that Rio and Kurt? AY RIO! AY KURT! WADDUP!"

Both looked up from their meals and waved me over. As it turns out, we three have a lot in common. For example; they like to play dungeons and dragons, and I'm a cruel and vindictive dungeon master. I got both of them to smoke with me once, nearly killed the giant Kurt, but Rio held strong, surprised the hell out of me.

"Allen! It is good to see you friend. How is your morning?" Kurt spoke up.

"Damn dude, I'm zooted and this omelette thingy is makin me moist, you know what I'm saying."

"Such a way with words you have Allen, truly it's amazing the great poet Shakespear isn't here to take notes."

"You know it Keelhaul, now roll initiative fuckers cus I'm takin a seat."

I pulled one of the chairs away from the table with my foot and sat down, pulling a utensil set from my bad.

"Allen, I always wonder. Why don't you use hashi like us?"

"The chopsticks? I'm actually quite skilled with the hashi, I just like showin off these cool ass tools. I shine these daily."

"Really?"

"Nah, but I do clean with like hell."

We sat and ate, having idle chat and enjoying breakfast. Eventually, Rio looked at his watch and told us all we had to get to class soon so we separated and head out.

***SPACING AGAIN***

Getting into class as everyone else was, I was shocked to see Moka and Tsukune both sitting quietly.

"Ayo you two, what I miss?"

They both stayed silent, with Moka looking down and Tsukune looking away.

I motioned at Moka and pointed to Tsukune exaggeratedly holding my hands in a heart shape and shrugging. She shook her head and mouthed 'I'll tell you later'. To which I shrugged again and took a seat.

After class Moka took me by the arm and dragged me out.

"Jerk!" She said, opening up a tomato juice can.

"What happened? Did you ask him and he rejected you?" I asked, opening up my own can of tomato juice.

"No! I caught him earlier with some floozy hanging off him of! And then he brushed me off!"

"Ah, a thot."

"Not a thot, a floozy!"

"Nah Moka, a thot is worse than a floozy. It means 'that hoe over there' and its an insult. Its like the opposite of bein dummy thicc."

"I don't understand what most of that means, but if thot is worse than being a floozy then she's a thot!"

"Exactly."

"Hey, Allen!" Came from behind me, turning around I saw the trio from this morning.

"Oh shit my dudes, whats up?"

"You remember our deal?"

"Ay shit yeah bro, whats the trade and how much you want?"

Moka looked clearly annoyed at being interrupted and the trip looked at her awkwardly.

I snapped my fingers in front of them as they started to zone out. "Pretty girl is busy, you're doin business with the A-lane here. Whats the trade?"

"Oh yeah, so we got these… extra curricular magazines that we would like to exchange for one of your seasonings."

"Alright, since its your first time I'm just gonna be a loving god and grace you, Imma give you a g now, but next time you gotta bring money. A g for 20 dollars. Lets say 2000 yen. Now I know its a bit expensive, but I gotta have my guy shit this shit from America, so its gonna cost more." I said, pulling a small bottle out of my bag and handing it over.

"Allen, are you serious doing this here and now?

"Absolutely, and if you three can't figure out what to do with this let me know. Come to my room and I'll smoke you out and teach you shit about drugs. Now cool it with the 'seasonings' shit, I'm no Gordon Ramsay.

"Thank you Allen! You won't regret this!" And they ran off.

"Alright, now where were we…"

"So apparently you're a vampire, huh?"

"Jesus fuck!"

"Well, thats what people are saying, so is it true?"

From the railing of the staircase, the same blue haired girl I saw from the first day of class jumped off and landed in front of us. Her skirt flirting up and catching the eyes of all the guys around us.

"Damn bitch, I don't have any money on me but theres a stripper pole around here somewhere."

She scoffed and me and continues talking to Moka.

"See, I came here to make a declaration of war."

"Declaration of war? Aw hell no, you bout to get some German suplex if you keep that shit up."

"Yeah thats right. You see I got this big plan-"

"Alright fuck this monologue shit, just tell us what you want and fuck off. You're ruining my high."

"Basically, I stole Tsukune and I'm going to steal every boy in this school."

"Sorry, you're not my type. I like girls less thotty than that. Also, like, someone who is totally devoted to me is nice, not devoted to gettin enough sausage to make Germany jealous."

"Don't worry, you won't have the option. Love charm." She said getting close and staring into my eyes.

"..."

"..."

"Well?"

"Well, come by my side servant."

"Who the fuck you calling 'servant'?"

"What? How did that not work?"

"The fuck were you doin? If thats your attempt at seduction then fuck you're bad, lemme show you how its done."

I pushed her against the wall, hand against it, and another cupping her chin. Pulling her face up to look at mine.

"Hows about we have some fun later. My futon fits two."

Her face immediately turned red and she sputtered.

"I learned this from one of those mangas, is it working?"

"Ummm, am I interrupting something?"

Tsukune came up and stood beside Moka.

"What do you want Tsukune?" Moka asked heatedly.

"Listen I wanna talk to you about those things I said."

The girl slipped under my arm and latched onto Tsukune.

"Hey Tsukune!"

"H-hey, I'm sorry but I need to talk to Moka."

"Love charm."

Tsukune immediately went rigid, his eyes glazing over.

"Now that I think about it, maybe I don't have to…"

"Tsukune! Step away from her now!"

"Huh? Why would I do that?"

"You have to trust me! She's dangerous!"

"I don't think so at all."

"Tsu you dumb fuck, she's a THOT!"

"I don't think thats a nice thing to say. I think she's sweet."

"Theres something I just noticed… Tsukune smells really good, doesn't he Moka? Almost like a human."

"Woah, are you sniffing him? Thats wierd dude, even for me."

"I bet his blood must taste really good, probably the only thing you keep him around for."

"Thats not true! And I don't use him either."

"It is true, and the only reason you keep me around is to suck my blood."

"Hey Moka, is it cool if I commit a hate crime? Imma break this bitch's knees. She's gettin to frisky with my brother over there."

Moka was staring at Tsukune in shock.

"I see, all I am is a substitute for your meals."

"Thats not true Tsukune!" She said, tearing up before crying and running off.

"Yeah run away, you loser!"

I looked between the two of them. "You're lucky I gotta make sure she's okay first. Just hold on Tsu, I'll figure something out." And I ran off after her.

***SPACING-ERINO***

I found Moka sitting outside the school, staring down at her rosary.

"Damn girl, why'd you run?"

"Tsukune, he's such a bastard!"

"Woah, thats the closest thing to a swear word I've heard you say."

"He fell prey to something called a 'love charm.' Its a spell that succubi have."

"Succubi? Like the mon- oh yeah, that makes sense. Then why'd that shit not work on me? Musta passed my wisdom save. Or charisma, probably charisma."

"It doesn't matter, we have to go save him!"

"Right you are, lead the way!"

***SPACING-ERINO v2***

We ran to the nurses office. Moka seeming to know the exact path to go to find Tsukune. From outside we could hear screaming and stuff breaking.

"Don't do it!" Moka said, throwing the door open.

Inside was the blue haired girl with long claws and a barbed tail with wings. She was flying above Tsukune, who was sitting on a bad clothes looking disheveled.

"Oh fuck, I think I might dip this one out. I can't hit a girl forreal."

"Get away!" Moka screamed, pushing the girl out of the window

"Fucking hells bells Moka, I think you killed her."

"Why'd you save me?" Tsukune asked, standing off the bed.

"She's a succubus! She can bewitch people by looking at them! You need to get away!"

"So THATS why I said those terrible things to you."

"Tsu, less talk more walk!"

The blue haired girl's tail flew in through the window and wrapped around Tsukune's neck, draggin him outside and flying off. Moka grabbed onto his legs and held on.

I stood there in the now quiet room.

"Fuck this is bullshit. Now I gotta walk down those fucking stairs, why'd they gotta jump out this shits lke the third floor or somethin…"

***ACTION SPACING***

Running outside and trailing them off into the forest, I see Moka and Tsukune on the ground, surrounded by felled trees and cleanly cut stumps.

"What the absolute tomfuckery is going on."

"My rosary, please, pull it off!"

Tsukune started to fiddle with it, trying to pull it off to no avail.

I rushed over them and grabbed it with him. "Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck."

"I guess that talk about you being a vampire was all talk huh?"

"Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck."

"Now, you and Tsukune are going to die!"

"Alright, fuck this!" I said, pushing Tsukune and Moka back. "You bout to catch these hands bitch, they rated E for everyone now."

"You can kill me, but please spare Tsukune!" Moka said, getting up and covering Tsukune with her body.

"Yeah, wait, what?"

"Are you seriously prepared to go that far? All he is to you is food!"

"He's not! And I don't care about his blood! I care about Tsukune and he's the world to me! He'e the first friend I had and I'll gladly die for him! And… and… I think I love him!"

"Oh shit, you actually said it Moka, nice."

"Theres only one use for men and thats slaves! All they are are playthings!"

"So I'll gladly die for her as well!"

And with a bright flash of white and a shower of bats, Moka's rosary was ripped off of her collar, causing her to transform into her inner form.

"Well fuck, shows over then, I'm taking a seat and taking a break." I said, moving to one of the more even stumps and pulling out my pipe from my bag. "I got this filled already? Aw shit yeah, lets watch the show."

"Sorry to keep you waiting."

"A-are you really the S-Class monster? A vampire?"

"Why don't you come down here and face me then, afraid you'll lose little miss thot?"

I immediately started coughing from laughing mid smoke, wheezing and laughing at the same time.

"You must be joking! I'm on a very important mission! The sake of my very race is at stake!"

"A very important mission?"

"Right, the reason us succubi seduce men is to find our destined one. We must carefully choose our destined one from a large pool of men that we bewitched. But you got in my way!"

"So thats why you're picking a fight with me? Big mistake."

The succubus went to attack, only to have Moka easily dodge past and grab her by the tail.

"Now, you'll experience the strength of a true S-class monster!" And she swung her around, letting go before kicking her with her full might.

Flying off into several trees, breaking each one before losing enough momentum, and meeting a large enough tree, and smashing into the side of it. She fell down, nearly unconscious.

"I'm sorry… I'll stop I promise."

"Damn, that shit took maybe 16 seconds, tops. Short show, but I'd give it a seven out of ten."

Tsukune ran over to where Moka and the succubus are.

"I've no guarantee of that, so as insurance, how about I rip off that ugly little tail of yours. And your wings will look nicely thrown into the fire."

"N-no! Please! Don't do that, I'm begging you."

Tsukune ran between them and held his arms out.

"What are you doing?" Inner Moka asked.

Tsukune just stood there, staring her down.

"Not only did she charm you, she attempted to kill you too. And no one tries to harm whats mine."

"No, she's harmless now, and you hear what she said! She didn't do that to be mean!"

"Really? What makes you so sure Tsukune?"

"Well, deep down Kurumu seems like a good person! Why not let her be one of our friends, like how we became friends."

The succubus began to cry, hearing these words.

Inner Moka just scoffed and walked up to Tsukune, grabbing the rosary. "You and I, friends? Listen Tsukune, I only saved you so your blood wouldn't be wasted on the ground. Thats all, I'm not like the other Moka you know." And she clicked her rosary back onto her choker.

"Hey, before you pass out, since I know you probably don't have the strength to hit me, you can stop that whole Tsundere act, shits not cute or endearing." I said, pulling out my speaker and strapping it to my bag.

As she was beginning to faint, she cast one more glare before falling into Tsukune.

"I gotcha." He said, catching her and letting her down.

I walked over to the succubus, "Hey, Kurumu, right?"

Between sniffles she let out a quiet 'yeah.'

"Hey, so, no hard feelings, alright?" I said, holding my hand out to help her up.

She took my hand and stood up, limping. "I guess, no hard feelings?"

"Thats what I like to hear, need me to walk you to the nurses office? Preferably the one y'all didn't fucking destroy."

"Yeah, that might be good."

"Aight, piggy back? Tsu you get Moka."

"Uhh, sure I suppose I think that kick broke my ankle. And several other things." She said, clambering onto my back.

"Alright, all passengers on the high seven flight stap in, we groovin." And I pressed play in my phone.

***FINAL SPACING***

That night, Tsukune and I found ourselves on the roof yet again with me lighting up. This had become our usual thing. At night, Tsukune and i would spend some time together going over the day before a knock on the door would signal people coming over and we would play some of the consoles I had brought with me or we would all go to the roof to relax. Tonight it was just Tsukune and I.

"So, apparently, that Kurumu girl is a succubus, right?

"Yeah, we already went over this."

"Do you know if a succubus is a demon or a devil?"

"Dammit Allen, we're not going over this again!"

"Alright, alright. So tell me, what happened with you and Moka after we left? I remember she said something pretty bold to you before you pulled that rosary off."

"Oh yeah, she said she loved me…"

"Wait, you didn't talk about that at all?"

"No, it kinda just slipped my mind."

"Dude, she loves you. You love her. Stop worrying about that shit man and at least give it a shot. You're both already acting like a romcom couple, might as well get the benefits of ACTUALLY being a couple."

"Its just different over here Allen, I don't know if it'll work out."

"Tsukune, who gives a FUCK if it won't work out. You're dating her, not marrying her."

"I dunno…"

I took a puff from the blunt, handing it to Tsukune.

"Come on man, you had a long day, why not take a hit for once?"

"I'll take a stab at it."

"JESUS FUCK!"

From behind me stood Kurumu, looking all healed up.

"Why the FUCK would you sneak up on me like that? Do you even know what this shit is?" I said, pointing it at her.

"No, but I see you smoking it all the time and its got me interested."

"Damn, you see this moocher Tsu? Inviting herself to our little bromance out here."

"I think I'm starting to get a second hand high… I'm going in…" He said, standing up and shakely moving inside.

"My doors always unlocked Tsu! Grab a snack on your way out too, you might want one later. Just don't touch the White Castle or I'll break your shins."

"Fuck you I'm doing it anyway."

"Hah!"

From inside I heard my fridge open, close, then the front door open and close.

"So, tell me about Tsukune." Kurumu said, sitting down beside me.

"After you take a hit my dude, you wanted some, so get high with me before we start talkin."

She sat down and took the wrap from by fingers, "So I just breath in?"

"Yeah, like smoking a cigarette."

"I've never smoked a cigarette before, so that doesn't help."

"Well imagine a straw then, but don't suck too hard or you'll cough your lungs out."

Her face turned red as she looked it over, before putting it in her mouth. She took one hit, waited a few seconds, and let it out which led to her coughing.

"Yeah, that one hit should be good enough for you." I said, taking it from her and putting it back in my mouth which caused her face to turn even redder.

"So, you wanna hear about Tsu? He's a cool dude but I hate to tell you he's probably already taken."

In between coughs she asked 'to who?'

"Seriously? Moka of course."

She nodded to that, calming down before leaning back.

"That sucks, I think… I think Tsukune might have actually been my destined one."

"Yeah, I know that feelin. But fuck it, that 'better to have loved and lost' is bullshit. All you can do it brush it off and keep lookin. Theres literally no way there isn't another guy like Tsukune."

"Who, like you?" She asked, slowly.

"Hah, you wish. I'm leagues cooler than Tsu. Plus, you see this?" I said, motioning to myself, "I am 100 percent man. Perfect in every way, its true."

This caused her to laugh and she relaxed, sighing.

"I feel funny."

"My friend, you are experiencing your first high… Wanna hit it again?"

***MORNING SPACING***

"She may not think it, but you're both my friends. I can't bear to be without either of you. If you two wanna suck my blood, its fine by me."

"Aw dude, shes gonna treat you like a caprisun."

It was the next morning and we were heading to class. Tsukune had apologized to Moka about the things he said, even though he was under Kurumu's control.

"I want to apologize about yesterday again…" He said looking into her eyes.

"Moka…"

"Tsukune…"

"Morning! Hi Tsukune! I baked some cute little cookies for us! Hows about you and I eat them together."

Kurumu joined our group, causing Moka and Tsukune to fall away from each other.

"Wait, why are you asking me?"

"Aw come on! I already told you I was looking for my one and only destined partner, didn't I? And that would be you silly!"

Both Moka and Tsukune looked shocked.

"Don't be so surprised! Its all your fault for jumping in and protecting me like you did. Now I've fallen head over heels for you!" She said, running over and rubbing against him and causing him to turn red again. "Come on, they're really yummy…"

Moka pulled the blushing Tsukune away, casing Kurumu to throw the cookies away and try to pull him back.

"Stop it! Tsukune is mine and mine alone!" Moka said, biting into his neck.

I came up and pulled Kurumu away.

"Come on Kuu, don't go trying to get in between them. We talked last night didn't we?"

"We did, but I can't help but love him! And I'll win his heart no matter what!"

"You know, normally I would discourage this shit, cus fuck NTR, but Its honestly two hours too early in the morning for me to give a shit, and I'm not high yet. I'll get back to you in a couple hours."


	4. Wand-erlust and Pipes

Just realized that forewords are cool as hell, so heres one.

A new chapter so early! So here's chapter 4, cool shit right? I'm loving the story so far, and I'm trying to juxtapose myself in as the character as best as I could without making him seem like a self insert. I will definitely be breaking the story, as sometimes things happen that are just stupid.

And just a quick thing, I'm going off of the anime rather than the manga, because it's easier for me to just watch an episode and write it at the same time, adding in my personal reactions in place for the character.

So be sure to tell me how you like the story or if I should change things, I'm planning on adding more outside stuff, with Allen interacting less with just the main group and instead hanging out with Rio, Kurt, and some other totally miscellaneous students that will hold no importance in any overarching story.

And remember my dudes, stay frosty.

***INTRO SPACING***

"Look at this here, its the undisputed number one at this school."

Three large, burly students were standing over a small girl in a witch outfit holding a wand.

"I guess someone must have known what they were doin when they let you skip all those grades."

"Alright, Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC, what the fucks going on here?"

I walked up to the three ganging up on the girl, smoke pouring out of my mouth and stoogie lit ablaze in my fingers.

"You three mind fucking off from the loli? Kid looks like she's about to blow a rape whistle and I don't like that shit."

He turns to me, looks at me for a second, then pales, turning to the witch and saying "dont press your luck, or you'll pay the price." And then running off.

"I didn't need your help you know." She said.

"Whatever my dude, just don't go into any dark alleys and shit. Oh hell yeah, OI JOSUKE!" I said, running off to Moka and Tsukune.

"Good morning Allen! You're acting quite happy this morning."

"Yeah, good morning Al, glad to see you so chipper."

"Hell yeah my dudes, I didn't go to sleep last night and I've had a consistent high since then. I'm fucking stoked."

"Don't you mean stoned?" Tsukune asked, laughing.

"That too my dude, that too. Now tell me whats up? Whats going on?"

"They posted everyone's grades. But I think they made a mistake."

"What? They got everyone's names wrong?"

"No, Allen Dojonero, correct?" The little girl from before asked.

"Eeyup."

"You placed second in the entire school, just one below me."

"Oh shit, sick nasty. By the way, has anyone told you you're cure today? Because you totally are, I wanna pick you up and smush you you're so cute."

This caused both Moka and Tsukune to look at me weirdly, while the little witch blushed.

"That- that has nothing to do with this. You're so horrible at the physical classes that I don't think I've seen you once!"

"What are you, stalking me? Thats cute too, but I'm hungry, leggo get this bread my dudes."

*EARLY SPACING*

In the cafeteria, Moka, Tsukune, and the newly introduced Yukari sat down. I decided to go back for seconds and sat down with two plates.

"Alright, so, now that introductions are out of the way and we got our meals, what's your deal little one?"

"First off, its not 'little one' its Yukari! And you better get it right, you might be second best but thats all you'll be!"

"Fuck dude, thats mean. I meant little one endearingly because you're cute, but damn."

"And Moka! Why are you hanging out with these two? You're so impressive and beautiful and charming and amazing... I love you more than life itself!" She said, jumping over the table on top of Moka and fondling her.

I continued eating my breakfast as Tsukune started at them worryingly.

"Every time I see you in the hall I fall more and more in love with you! And just being able to eat with you is making my heart throb. And now I know exactly that you're the one for me."

"Big bahankaloogas. Big old Tidiabangarillos. Other boob jokes, I'm so fucking tired." I said, standing up and picking the with girl up. And setting her on my lap and pulling over her plate. "Now eat your fucking breakfast or I'm not letting you up."

"You can't do this to me! I must profess my love for Moka!"

I scoop a spoonful of grits into my mouth, "the fuck you do, you need to eat breakfast and shut up."

She harrumphed and pulled the plate closer. "Okay, but I'm not gonna like it"

***BREAKFAST SPACING***

We were walking down the hallway, with currently sitting on my shoulders.

'I still don't understand why I have to be up here."

"Well when I set you down your turn into a mammary torpedo and latch onto Moka, and that shits gay."

"Its not gay, its love!"

"Nah my dude, you didn't say 'no homo' first."

"You are impossible to deal with."

"And you're adorable to deal with, stop being such a meanie head." I said, setting her down and turning her away. "Now go to your class or you'll be late."

"Grrrr, you won't get away with this!"

"Did you really have to do that Allen?"

"Absolutely, unless you like getting fondled by someone other than Tsukune."

They both blushed at this, and moka hit me in the chest.

All I could do was groan in pain from underneath the rubble.

"Oh shit, Allen!" Tsukune said, pulling me out.

"Aw fuck, I was almost asleep too. Thanks Tsu."

"Whatever, let's just get to class."

***RUBBLE SPACING***

After classes, all of which I stayed awake for, we found ourselves back in the halls, with Yukari grappled onto Moka

"Fuck this bullshit."

"So, I'm declaring war on you!" She said, jumping off and waving her wand.

"Oh god, not you too…"

"Magic wand brooms and buckets! Abracada-"

"Abracadabra, yeah yeah, gimmie that!" I said, grabbing the want and putting it in my bag.

"Hey, thats mine! Give it back!"

"So you can turn him into a frog? No thanks, no one hurts my bro."

"I wasn't going to turn him into a frog! I was going to hit him with brooms and pans."

"...would it kill him?"

"Of course not! Its to scare him off!"

I pondered for a second, before pulling the wand back out and flipping it over so the handle is towards her. "Here, toughen him up a bit for me."

She took the wand, waved it, and a flurry of brooms and pans chased Tsukune.

"Ahhhhh! Allen why! These cleaning supplies must be possed!"

"Its magic you simpleton!" Yukari said, before turning back to Moka. "I'm kind of a witch so magics my thing! And if any dirty boys try to get close to my Moka, they're gonna have to face me!"

I walked over and picked her up, setting her back on my shoulders. "Alright Yukari, your new nickname is Yu and we're going to the roof. I need a smoke and Moka needs to go take care of Tsu."

"Unhand me you ruffian!"

***SPACING FOR SMOKE BREAK***

Yukari and I were on the roof of the building, with Yukari walking along the rail and me sitting on a foldable chair. I already had a wrap lit up and

"So I'm tellin you know, that shit won't fly. Moka is seriously in love with Tsukune and he feels the same."

"But they're not dating."

"But they're not dating, thats what I don't understand either."

"So then its fine! Even if they were dating I'd just break them up! For now, all I can do is make her hate him… heheheh"

"Oi, stop that. Don't you know you'll be cursed if you break up a couple?" I asked, pulling a can of tomato juice out of my bag and popping it. "Man these cans are super cool, I can use these little pick things for so many things."

"I'm a witch, I'll just undo any curse!"

"And that! Don't you know its against the rules to tell what your monster race is."

"Who cares! By the way, what are you?

"What part of 'against the rules' dont you understand?"

"I think theres a rule about smoking on campus."

"Probably, but fuck that rule. Anyway, you want a seat? I'm getting close to greening out, or probably just passing out. I cant tell at this point I'm so fucking tired."

"No, I think I'll just go back to my room."

"Alright cool, cool. By the way, if you ever need me please feel free to find me. I'm sure you can find a way to get to my room, its up on the top floor of the boys dorm. Feel free to hide there too, doubt anyone would look for you there."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Aight, cool." I said, reaching into my bag and pulling out a stetson and sunglasses. "Now, naptime."

Yukari got off from the railing and walked off, leaving me to chill.

"Oi, Allen!"

"Oh for fucks sake, what?!"

Shortly after Yukari left one of the students from this morning emerged from the roof door.

"You've got a lot of nerve getting in our way this morning."

"Mhh Hmm."

"I'm here to return the favor."

"Look, mate, whats your name?"

"I'm Nagadashi." He said, confused.

"Look, Naga, hows about you chill and sit down with me and we can talk."

"Screw that! I'm gonna beat the shit out of you."

"Like Saizou did? Or better, tried to do? I recommend you graciously accept my offer, its rude not to, and I'm not in the FUCKING MOOD TO DEAL WITH RUDE!" I yelled, crushing the can in my hand.

"Eep! Fuck this, its not worth it!" He said, running off.

I sat in silence for a couple minutes before wincing and holding my hand. "Owowowow fuck that hurt. I can't believe that shit worked."

Ten minutes passed of complete silence, and I found myself unable to fall asleep, so I decided to light another one up and try and watch the clouds.

"Allen!"

"GODDAMIT WHAT?!"

Moka and Tsukune stood shocked at the door to the roof.

"Sorry to bother you! Wait, no! Yukari is missing!"

"So? She said she was going to her room."

"Someone said they saw her going into the woods with some boys"

"Oh fuck no, no ones touching my new little friend." I said, standing up and pushing the chair to the side. "Lead the fucking way, I'm going to break some mother fucking knees."

***ACTION SPACING***

Moka, Tsukune, and I ran into the woods. As we went farther in everything starting getting foggy as the forest turned into a swamp.

"What the fuck is up with this setting, I feel like we're dealing with an unexperience DM."

"Less talking, more running Al! We have to find Yukari!"

"Since when do you care about her Tsukune! Just before you were wanting to get rid of her!"

"But that was before Moka, I realized she must be lonely! Just like you were, so now I have to save her."

"Hey, I just think she's cute and I want to protecc her."

We continued to travel through the woods when all three of us felt a shiver.

"They must have turned into their monster forms! Quick, this way!" Moka said, pointing and running.

"Fuck this, I came prepared." I said, reaching into my pack and handing Tsukune a small pipe and pulling out a pair of brass knuckles.

"Weapons?! What are you thinking Allen?"

"I think I'm gonna fucking kill anyone who hurts my little witch."

"Your little witch?"

"Absolutely, she's my new friend and if anything happens to her I'm kill everyone and them myself." I said, hitting the knuckles together causing Tsukune to pale.

"Lets just focus on saving her first."

"Please help me!"

"Get away from her!"

In the far distance I saw Moka jump into a clearing.

"I got an idea boss! Lets eat them both!"

"Moka just go! These monsters are a joke, I can handle them myself!

"You've got to stop doing that Yukari! Theres nothing wrong with being scared, and if you need help you just need to ask! You have to start being honest with yourself."

I stopped at the clearing and started watching as I walked around it to get behind them while Moka distracted them. She walked over to Yukari and embraced her in a hug.

"No!" Yukari screamed as the monster raised his claw to hit Moka. She let go and chomped down onto his tail, causing him to get ready to strike her.

"What the hell do you think you're doing you miserable little brat!" He said, raising his claws.

Panicking, I jumped into the clearing and got between the both of them with my left arm raised. "Alright Fuckers! Its time to die!"

His claws came down and slashed through my arm, cutting up the sleeve to my robe. I looked down at it, as it began to seep blood and stain the tattered remains.

"Thats it fucker, this was my favorite robe." I said, rearing my fist back and ramming it into his temple.

With a resounding gong, I watched as the lizardman crumpled and fell to the ground.

"Holy shit, that actually worked."

Yukari grabbed onto my leg from behind, "Allen, why are you here?"

"Tsukune and Moka told me something happened to you, what are YOU doing here! I thought you said you were going back to your room! Do you know how scared I was when I heard that something happened to you?" I said, kneeling down and hugging her.

"B-but why? You only met me today!"

"Because you're fucking adorable thats why!"

"Alright thats enough! This is getting ridiculous! I'm tired of this sappy shit, time to die!" The lizardman said, getting up and running towards us.

"Yukari! Allen! Look out!"

I turned around to see the two lizardmen charging me, before I got a chance to respond I felt something wrap around my neck and drag me off.

"Are you guys okay? You know you're pretty heavy Allen." Yukari said from above.

"GHHK! DROP! DROP!" I choked out, holding onto Yukari.

"Drop? Okay!"

And we both dropped around 20 feet to the hard floor, to which I heard a resounding crack and the wind was knocked out of me. Yukari landed safely on top of me, knocking the wind out further.

"Are you proud of me Tsukune? Don't you see how reliable I can be as a woman?" Kurumu said, rubbing against him

I could only weeze.

"Oh great, another dogooder here to interrupt us! Whats say we round them all up and eat them."

I continued to wheeze and Yukari got off of me.

'You want some, bring it on!" Tsukune said, moving to infront of both of us and holding the metal pipe I gave him.

"Tsukune, you're…"

"Oh yeah Tsukune! Will you be my protector too?"

"I'm.. I'm good." I said, finally starting to stand up.

Tsukune tried to push Kurumu and Moka back as they were standing behind him, only for his fingers to catch on Moka's rosary and pull it off. With another bright flash of light and swarm of bats, Inner Moka came out to play.

"Get back you filthy trash!" She said, transposing herself between all of us.

"Thats fine too, I'm just gonna sit back down. Might as well take a smoke to get something back in my lungs." I said, falling flat back onto the ground.

"Look her hair! Don't you know dying your hair is against school rules! And what's with that skirt!" The lizardmen said charging.

Moka disappeared and reappeared in front of one of the lizardmen and gave a brutal kick, causing him to fly off into the swampy woods. In the same movement, she thrust her leg out and kicked the other one in the other direction.

"She's so fast I can't see her!" The last lizardman said, before also receiving a kick directly to the chest and flying off.

"And she goes for a homerun but only hits a three pointer." I said from the ground, tearing the sleeve off my robe and pulling out some bandages, septic, and a needle and thread.

"I don't get it, I did mean things to everyone but you still came and saved me…"

"Did you hear anything we said Yukari? We all came to rescue you because we all want to be there for you. You don't have to be alone anymore."

"Well put Tsu, well put." I said, threading one of my needles with fish wire.

Yukari looked between everyone and began to cry.

Moka walked over to me and looked down.

"Look, before you kick me, can you at least wait for me to sew my arm up first?" I said, pouring antiseptic on my arm and cringing.

Moka merely kneeled down and bit my neck, drinking some blood. I cringed to that as well, before shrugging and pulling out my lighter and holding the flame to the needle.

When she finished she stood back up, "There, that will serve as penance. Your blood is just as delicious as Tsukune's." And she walked over to him and took her rosary.

"Thanks I guess." I said, putting the joint from before back in my mouth, taking a big hit, and holding it and I pushed the needle into my arm, stitching up the cuts.

Moka put her rosary back on and collapsed into Tsukune. Kurumu pulled Yukari closer and consoled her.

***CLIMAX SPACING***

After I finished my arm, we all went our separate ways, with Tsukune taking Moka back to her room and Kurumu taking Yukari back to hers. I went and grabbed some food from the on campus store, just a case of sweet bread, and headed back to my dorm. I stopped to make the occasional chatter with students.

"Hey Allen, heard you did a number on Tadashi today, nice job!"

"Yeah, is he the lizard dude?"

"Yeah, everyone here hates him and his group of goons."

"Well shit, glad I did it then, not without takin a hit first tho." I said, holding my arm up?

"They give you that much trouble?"

"Yeah, thought he was goin for a punch for some reason, but the fucker had claws."

I eventually made it to my dorm to find the light on, not strange figuring I left my door unlocked so kids could come in and play games while I was gone. Everyone knew that if something went missing, they'd have the entire floor to deal with. What was strange was the little girl sitting on my bed.

"Oh shit, hey Yu, you doin okay little sis? Or… whats the word… Imodo?"

"Close, its Imouto."

"Yeah that, anyway, you okay?

"Yes…" She said, twiddling her fingers and blushing.

"Look, lemme just get cleaned up and we can chat, that cool?"

"S-sure."

I set my bags down and took my robe and shirt off, tossing them into my dirty hamper, causing an 'eep' to come from my bed. Ignoring it, I went to my dresser and pulled out a pair of scrub pants and a double extra large t-shirt. After getting my things, I moved to my bathroom where I took a quick shower, washing the dirt and blood completely off. After the shower I put the new clothes on and stepped out with a puff of steam.

"That felt good as fuck, you wanna take a shower?"

She furiously shook her head no.

"Fair enough," I said, grabbing my bag and heading to the large window that connected to the roof. "Lets chill outside, that cool?"

Yukari got of my bed and silently followed me out onto the roof, where I pulled a large quilt out of my bag and spread it across the tiles. I held my hands out for Yukari to take a seat, then plopped down myself. I opened my bag and started to pull stuff out. First came the pipe, then the large bag of pre-grinded pot that I kept on hand, and my zippo. I also pulled out a couple drinks and snacks which I handed to Yukari.

"So, tell me whats up Yu? Why were you hiding in my room."

"Well… I want Tsukune to break up with Moka."

I could only let out a sigh. "Seriously? I thought we were over this earlier."

"Wait! Let me finish… I want you to be dating Moka instead."

This caused the already grinded down gears in my head to stop.

"Que?"

"You see, I love Moka...but suddenly I feel like my feelings have changed."

"I'm not following. What does this have to do with me dating… Moka… wait, don't tell me."

"I love you too!" She said, standing up and wrapping herself around me.

"Uhhhh." I said, looking around before grabbing her and putting her on my lap. "Look, Yukari, I'm flattered but I honestly can't love you like that. You're still a kid and shit. Even when you turn 18 I'll be in college and stuff back in America."

"I don't care about that! I already know English, so its no problem!"

I couldn't help but laugh at that, and I poked her cheeks. "Well aren't you adorable, but that doesn't change your age."

"It doesn't matter how old I am, love it love!"

"Yeah, and jails just a room. Plus, I hate to tell ya this, I ain't into kids. Its just not my thing. Plus, I actually wanna see Tsukune and Moka together. They seem like a cute couple, so dont YOU!" I said, punctuating it by poking both of her cheeks at the same time, "go ruining it for them. You hear me."

She pouted and pushed me down before moving to lay down on me. "You will change your mind eventually."

"I doubt it, but instead, I offer you a counteroffer."

"Oh?"

"I wouldn't mind you being my little sister."

"Oh?" She said, this time with a cheeky, perverted grin.

"Not like that you little horn dog, I mean in the platonic way."

She just went quiet and laid against me as I smoked.

"Its nice out here…"

"It is, thats why I'm out here every night. You see those stars…" I said, pointing out the stars and some of the constellations I knew. Yukari did the same, though she knew all of them compared to my only occasional knowledge of stars.

Eventually Yukari decided to leave, using her new wand to summon a broom and fly back to her room. After a couple more hours I went inside and laid down into my bed. Comfy, cozy, and happily stoned, I snuggled under my covers.

"Man, I wish I had someone to sleep with me, shits lonely."

And then I spent the rest of the night left alone with my thoughts.


	5. The Stoner Conglomerate

Holy shit, another chapter? You bet your ass dandy man. Still going off of no sleep so lets see how this turns out. Now I can finally go to sleep. I forgot how hard it was to write a story, especially when I have to watch and pause the video every time I get a new thought or idea. Either way, hope you enjoy this conglomerate of a story.

As expected, tell me how badly I fucked up. Or, better yet, roll me a persuasion check to seduce me with compliments.

As usual, stay frosty amigos.

***INTRO SPACING***

"C'moon! Faster, faster!"

"Horse noises."

"Nooooo! You have to make actual horse noises!"

"Actual horse noises."

It's been a week since Yukari joined the group, and today was the month long anniversary of us arriving on campus. I had woken up with Yukari at my window for another morning, something that was embarrassing at first, but immediately became commonplace after the third time. Yukari had attempted to seduce me several times, none of which working, while also executing plans for me and Moka to get together, another thing that was not working.

We were greeted to Tsukune being grappled by Moka and Kurumu, arms close to being torn off.

"Yu? Will you do the honors?"

"You betcha!" She said, pulling my bag off my shoulder and pulling her wand out of it, before wavine and with a mantra and 'abracadabra' a flurry of pans appeared out of nowhere and onto Kurumu.

"Owww! What the hell was that for you little brat!?"

"That was for trying to steal Tsukune from MY Moka!"

"What do you care anyway, you got this chump." She said, poking me in the chest.

"Ow, better a chump and not a cum dump."

"Wanna say that again?"

"Not really, peace!" I said, quickly running off and giving Moka a nod, which she returned gratefully.

Yukari and I made it to the cafeteria to get breakfast. We garnered a few odd looks, with a little witch sitting on the shoulders of a foreign exchange kid, but we paid them no mind.

"Dear sir I write this note to you to tell you of me plight"

Ignoring these looks, I sang off the first line of the song as I walked around, waving to the people I knew

"And at the time of writing, I am not a pretty sight!"

To which Yukari would follow the line, and wave as well. Together we made a great team.

"You know, we should make an acapella club or a karaoke club. That would be cool."

"Probably not, who would join an acapella club anyway?" She said.

I grabbed her by her hips and set her on the ground, rolling my shoulders.

"Goddamn, I'm gettin too old for this shit, you're just lucky your light as a feather."

"Oh shush, let's get something to eat, I"m sure you're starving."

"Youse damn right, I don't see Rio or Kurt anyway, so it's just you and me today, let's get some monchies."

We both got our food, and found a seat. While we were eating a trio of boys came up to me and sat down. It took me a couple seconds to notice them, and even longer to realize they were the same boys from before who I gave a gram to. Since then I've been a regular supplier of theirs, indulging in regular smoke sessions and even getting some of their favorites. Uncensored magazines from America. This caused them to absolutely lose it when I offered it with their usual supply. I was soon growing a market in this school.

"Oh shit, you guys. Whats it been my dudes?"

"Hey Big Al, we're good, just tryin to wake up. You know that Tsukune dude?"

"Yeah, he's my bro. He in trouble or something?"

The shortest one of the group spoke up, food in mouth. "He's gonna be if he doesn't stop hanging out with those two hotties."

"Seriously? You think either of them would date any of you?"

All three of them looked shocked and at me.

"I'm not sayin you're ugly, I'm saying that those two are very picky. My recommendation is to just be friends with them. You can't fuck em, but you'll atleast be around them. Wait, that sounds creepy…"

"But if we chase Tsukune off, they'll be forced to find someone else."

I jabbed a finger at the boys. "First fucking off, the hell you're gonna be chasing him off. If I see you three try ANYTHING with Tsukune, it'll be your asses on the line. And you won't be getting any shit from me again."

The three boys grumbled angrily, before silently returning to their meal.

"That's what I thought, y'all may be my friends, but I met Tsukune first and he's my homeboy. It's a little American thing to be bros before hoes, and y'all actin like hoes."

***INSULTING SPACE***

Classes when as usual, but after classes I departed to hang out with Rio and Kurt. Thursdays were out Dungeons and Dragons game night, and I had a long term plan for them. Moka, Kurumu, and Yukari all left to hang out with Tsukune, and I charged Yukari with watching over Tsukune in my place.

"Alright everyone, give me dex saves with disadvantage."

"Danger sense!"

"Everyone except Krog give me dex saves with disadvantage, he gets it with advantage."

"Haha! Krog use natural dwarf skills!"

Of our group there was me, the DM, and my two friends Rio and Kurt. Rio played a homebrew undead death cleric named Keelhaul, while Kurt played a dwarf barbarian named Krog. With these two, were two newcomers. First is Hiro, a lithe teenager with bangs covering his eyes. He liked to play a wizard elf named Hero. Second is Saiko, a neck breaker of a boy standing just as tall, if not taller than Kurt. He was built like a truck. Surprisingly, he played a kenku named Jotaro with a bard and rogue multiclass.

They were all set in a dungeon trying to find a dragon that they heard was hurt in a recent battle. They seemed to think just because it was hurt, their level 4 party would be able to take it down. I had to change it from an ancient gold dragon, down to a young gold dragon, with the ancient gold dragon having left after the battle, and the group just happening to see a young gold dragon and thinking its the same dragon. Thank god for low perception rolls.

"OWAAAAH!"

"Lemme guess, Jotaro got a nat20?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely! How much damage do I take?

"How much does 35 damage set you back?"

"I'm down."

"Oh fuck." came from the other three.

"And did anyone roll above a 16?" I ask from behind my divider.

"...no."

"And the rest take 70 points of fire damage."

"I'm down."

"Same."

"On a scale of one to fifty, I'm sitting at a soft three. Thank Moradin for rage."

The game was going splendidly, we continued to play for the night. Kurt was able to pick up two of the lighter party members, the kenku and elf specifically, and grabbed Keelhaul's skull and dashed out. They later returned to down and spent a long rest, where we ended for the night.

"Alright boys, what's say we have a final smoke sesh, and we depart for the night."

This was met with a round of cheers as we all left my room to go to the roof. Out there we spent about an hour chilling, smoking, and playing music from my speaker.

After our time came to an end, I headed over to Tsukune's room. Knocking on the door, I heard a 'come in' and let myself inside. Tsukune was sitting at his table using a mirror to swab a cut on the back of his head.

"Oh shit dude, did something happen?"

"Yeah, I got ganged up on by a group of guys that are madly in love with the girls, they called themselves the cute girl fanclub coalition, claiming they were presidents of their fan clubs and were wearing a weird pink coat."

"I swear to fucking RNGesus, was one short and fat, the one of them tall and lanky?"

"Yeah, and the third was normal with dirty blond hair."

I cracked my knuckles and started heading for the door. "I fucking warned those cunts, I'll be right back."

"Wait wait wait!" Tsukune said, grabbing my robe and stopping me. "They're fine, they didn't do much damage anyway, this is from Yukari throwing a tub at me."

I stopped and locked the door, dropping my bag against it and sitting on his rolled up futon. Tsukune responded by laying back down on the floor.

"Al… what do you think I should do? I'm a human and a weakling. I can't interact with people like you do, and I don't have some magic bag that I can pull a pipe out of."

"Look, Tsu, shut up."

"Wha?"

"Just stop and listen to me. Who gives a single FUCK if you're a weakling or a human. I'm human, and my bags not magic its a bag. You're stuck here in this school with monsters and shit that can kill both of us at any second, and you know why I'm not freaking out?"

"Because you're high all the time?"

"Because I'm high all the time."

"And how is this supposed to help me?"

"..."

"..."

"I dunno, I was kinda just talking and forgot what I was gonna say. Oh yeah, anyway, who gives a shit about all that Tsu. You only live once, how many humans do you think got to experience this shit? REAL monsters Tsu, they're actually real. All the fairy tales and folk legends you've heard are actually true, doesn't that open some kind of childish glee in you? To realize that your favorite stories from your childhood may actually me real?"

Tsukune thought on what I said, before sitting up. "You know what, you're right. Maybe I should stay here and tough it out."

"That's the spirit Tsu, now get some rest buddy." I said, standing up and unfolding his futon out for him.

***SLEEPY SPACING***

The next morning after class I found the group sitting and eating again.

"I'm sorry, what I meant to say is it's because you're not that strong in your human form."

"Right, and I gotta go… so cya." Tsukune said, standing up and brushing past me.

"Damn Tsu, just breath mate." I said, patting him on the back as he passed by.

I sat down at the table with another can of tomato juice.

"So, Allen, what happened to your face?"

"My face? Oh shit, yeah, my bad. Just had to deal with someone this morning."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but I got to go after Tsukune." Moka said, standing up and running off.

"Deal with someone?" Kurumu asked, "And who was this someone?"

"Just a guy who fucked with the wrong person on the wrong day. He shouldn't be a problem anymore. So, anything I miss?"

Yukari jumped over and latched onto me. "Yes! Todays been horrible! This creep has been following me and taking pictures of me!"

"Who. Was. It." I asked, straining not to snap.

"I don't know, he said he was part of the photography club, but I think that was probably a lie!"

"I have already dealt with one fucker today Yu, and I will absolutely break some goddamn lenses if I have to. You tell me if you see him, and I'll eat his shins."

"...you're not going to actually eat someone's shins, are you?" Kurumu asked.

"Probably." I said, picking up my little witch and putting her on my shoulders.

"You coming with me to watch?"

"Nah, I think I'm going to harass Tsukune and Moka."

"Fair enough, good luck."

"Same with you."

And with that, we all departed. I ended up walking all across campus, with Ghost blaring from my speaker attached to my bag. In my hands I held the brass knuckles from before, ready to fuck shit up.

"So, any details you can give me?"

"Yeah, he was tall and lanky-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there, I already know who you're talking about. Let's go see if they're in their hidey hole."

And I let her around campus until I found it. On campus there are several rooms that aren't used, so people normally use them as club rooms. One of which was the designated hangout spot of the three stooges from before. Once I found the place, I kicked open the door.

"Alright fuckers, I warned you once."

Only to find the room empty. Inside, however, were various framed pictures of the girls. All lovingly crafted with candles lit to give the room a warm glow.

"Would it be bad if I just burned the building down?"

Yukari was already in the process of tearing down all the pictures of herself, before moving onto Moka. She was about to leave the ones of Kurumu, so I moved over and tore them down. Taking them all outside, I pulled out a flash of oil I had in my bag and dumped it on all the pictures, before taking a match out, lighting a joint, and tossing it onto the pile causing it to burst into flames.

As we were doing this, I saw Tsukune in the far distance walking across campus with a large bag.

"Yu, go get Moka and Kurumu, I think we may have a problem on our hands."

***PRE-ACTION SPACING***

"We won't let you stand my and take our darlings ever again!"

The sound of music caused the fat monster to stop eating Tsukune, as he was about to his knees into his belly.

"Wait, what's that noise?"

"_This is your time to pay, this is your judgement day!" _

"Yeah… wait, I recognize that…"

"_We made a sacrifice and now we get to take your life."_

"Oh fuck."

"_We shoot without a gun, we take on anyone."_

"Guys, is that who I think it is?"

"_It's really nothing new, it's just a thing we like to do!"_

I found Tsukune and the trio at the bus stop where we arrive on this campus. The three were in their monster forms, one was what appeared to be a faceless blob of fat with arms and legs. The next had a long noodle neck and the last looked like an umbrella. I knew I had a couple minutes until Yukari got the other girls, so I had to hold them off.

"I THOUGHT I WARNED YOU FUCKERS ONCE ALREADY! C'MON BITCHES! SHOW! ME! WHAT! YOU! LOOOOVE!" I screamed as I charged in.

"Oh shit its Allen!" Said the blob of a monster.

"He can't do anything against the three of us!" Came from the noodle neck.

"You're not lookin too good umbrella man, still roughed from what I did this afternoon?"

The umbrella monster had a couple tears on his edges and he shied away.

"Yeah, that's right. I know what you three fuckers were up to." I said, cracking my knuckles and putting the knuckle dusters on as the song from my speaker faded out and I dropped my bag onto the ground. "So how are we going to do this?" I finished, taking off my robe and shirt, learning from the previous time I had to fight a monster.

The three looked between themselves before nodding.

"Now it's time for the fanclub coalition super secret ero-amalgamation attack!" The three said, jumping onto each other and causing a bright light to fill the area.

"Ohhhhh fuck. I think the DM just raised the CR by ten."

"Not so strong now, are you Allen! Combined, we are stronger than you by tenfold!"

Standing where the three stood before was a towering mass of blubber. The pink coat from before stayed, but now they stood an easy 15 feet tall. On the back was a large umbrella, while the face had a single eye and the belly had a full mouth.

"Oh fu-" I was cut off as the large monster swung its arm at me, hitting me in the side and causing me to roll across the ground.

"FUCK!" I exclaimed, standing up and rubbing my back. "I think you tore the fucking skin off my back…" And then I noticed my entire left side already covered in the makings of a bruise.

The large monster came closer. "Once we get rid of Tsukune, we'll have Moka and Kurumu to ourselves, and once you die, Yukari is mine!"

"Yukari… is… yours?"

"Yes! Without either of you in our way, our waifus will be ours!"

"Yukari.. Is… MINE!" And my vision turned red. All I wanted was to tear our this fucker's teeth, and that was exactly what I was going to do. Who gives a fuck if I'm a human, thats my little sister he's talking about.

And no one touches my little sister.

I ran forward, shakily at first before picking up speed. I grabbed the huge lips on the belly of the beast and pulled them open, showing pearly whites. The mouth opened more to bite me, but I reared my fist back and connected metal to tooth as my knuckle dusters did all the work my inferior human body could do against a monster.

He let out a shriek of pain, nearling causing me to cover my ears, before I let out my own guttural roar to drown it out as I got a firmer grasp on the lips and swung again. Another resounding crack followed by another as metal and tooth grinded against each other. I felt something wrap around my waist and squeeze as I was pulled into the air.

"You fucker! We'll show you the true power of the GAH!"

From behind the trio, Tsukune came up and cracked a steel pipe against the back of their knee, causing their grip to loosen. This allowed me to reach under my waistband and pull out a simple hunting knife.

With a wet 'thick' the knife carved through his fleshy and pliable skin, cutting the monster's thumb off and causing me to fall to the ground.

"Nice baton pass Tsu, now, I'm gonna fuckin show you how we deal with people like you in the states." I said, pushing myself off the ground.

"You fucker! You won't even change into your monster form to fight us! Take us seriously!" The conglomerate said, before flailing wildly, causing Tsukune and I to be knocked away.

"Allen! Tsukune!"

Moka, Kurumu, and Yukari arrived on the scene, seeing Tsukune and I both battered. Moka ran over to Tsukune as Yukari ran over to me, Kurumu looked between the two of us before focusing on flying above the monster and distracting it.

"Please, please be alive!" Moka said, kneeling over Tsukune.

"I'm alright, but we have to protect all of you from that thing…" He said, shakily standing up.

"But you can't!"

"Maybe not, but I have to at least try!" He said, before growing faint and falling over. As he did so, his hand, yet again, caught onto Moka's rosary and caused it to detach from her collar.

With a far more impressive flash of light, and another swarm of bats, Moka's inner self was released.

"You three. You woke me?"

"Oh god, those cold and beautiful eyes! And that silky silver hair! Its her! Our true love!"

"Oh shut the fuck up so I can skin you already." I said, pushing Yukari away and standing up. All I could feel was pain rocketing up and down my ribs, but fuck it if I didn't wanna wear this goddamn fucker like a bear skin pelt.

"We adore you Moka! And we wish for you to return our love!"

"Never, now die. Yukari, Kurumu you two need to help me out."

"Yes ma'a-"

"Fuck that Moka, this cunt is mine." I said, grabbing Yukari by the shoulder before she could run over.

"Now it not the time for your petty revenge, Tsukune is hurt and I won't have your interference cause him any more stress."

"You wanna bet, lets work together then, if I can get him to fall down, you smash his fucking skull, deal?

Inner Moka looked and me and laughed, "Go ahead and try then weakling, but if you fail I will kick you myself."

"Watch this shit. Oi fat cunt! Your waifu is trash!"

This caused the gushing monster to stop and glare at me.

"WHAT DID YOU SAAAAAAAY!" And then he charged.

I ran forward, stumbling at first as my legs nearly gave out. As he barrelled forward I was able to easily sidestep him, and stab my knife into the back of his knee, the same one Tsukune hit before. As planned, or moreso completely by sheer luck, the monster began to fall towards Moka.

"Grah! Wait, watch out we're gonna fall!"

"Now get lost losers, and learn your place!" And with a single kick, Moka caused the monsters to go flying.

When the three hit the ground, they seperated back into their human forms, unconscious.

I stopped and stared at them, before noticing how badly I was shaking. I couldn't keep my arms still and my knees threatened to give out. I went to reach for my bag, finding it not there. I looked around for it, found it, and slowly shuffled over to it, nearly tripping several times. I noticed my breathing itself sounded off. It was gargled.

Moka went over to Tsukune and took her rosary. Through the ringing in my ears I heard something about him leaving, but decided to ignore it, as I had more important things on my mind.

Once I got to my bag I dropped down harshly to the ground, laying flat. From my prone position I opened up my bag and pulled out the last wrap I had. I put it in my mouth, lit it, and tried to breath in, only causing myself to cough violently and drop it.

Yukari walked over to me, and handed my the knife I had used earlier. It was, for some reason, completely clean. And looking over I didn't see any thumb that I was sure I had cut off earlier.

"Fuck… This really fucking hurts…" I said between coughs, noticing how red my hands were. "Damn, these knuckles… really did a number on my hands… wait…" I brought my hands up to my nose and smelled, before coughing again. "Oh shit thats blood. I think its mine. Do you know any healing spells Yu?"

"I'm a witch, not a cleric."

Moka walked over to the both of us.

"Allen, stand up."

"Ha, afraid that's impossible at the moment. Not only can I literally not feel my fucking legs, I think I'm about to start coughing up blood." I said, as I was hit with another coughing fit. "Oop, there it is. I'd ask if you want some, but that sounds weird."

Moka took my hand and licked the blood off my palm.

"What." I said.

"What." Yukari said.

"What? You offered."

"I don-… Aw fuck it, I honestly couldn't care less. Is Tsu okay?"

"He's fine. Apparently he wasn't leaving, he was just delivering some letters for the bus."

"Wait, you thought he was leaving? Of course he's not leaving, I would have been the first one to tell you that. Anyway, can you talk with OM?"

'OM?"

"Outer Moka, just easier to say. Anyway, tell her to confess her feelings. I can tell by that look you gave him earlier that you like him to, so just get it over with. If not, I may start helping Kurumu."

I was suddenly lifted off my ass as Moka wrapped her hand around my throat and picked me up.

"Akgh! Grkk, what?" I tried to wheeze out.

"Moka! Stop it he's hurt!" Yukari said, getting up in my defense.

Moka jabbed a finger into my nose. "You will NOT do such a thing, and if you dare do, even this cursed rosary won't stop me from wringing your neck. Do you understand?"

I responded by ripping the rosary out of her hand and clinking it onto her collar. She looked confused for a second, before shifting back into outer Moka and passing out, dropping me and falling ontop of me.

"I might just die. Get her off of me and get me to a hospital."

*BEEP BEEP*

Just in time for the bus to pull up. Tsukune walked into it, dropped off his bag, and came out.

"So, you taking care of Moka for me?"

"I know how to castrate a pig, human's can't be too different."

"Point taken, and by the way… thanks for protecting me."

"Sure, no problem Tsu, now get her off of me, I think my lung collapsed and I need that for later."


	6. A Ruff Smoke

So this chapter follows TWO episodes, as the whole swimming episode just shouldn't have happened. Anyway, time to speed through these episodes and write like a maniac, I know three chapters in one week may seem absolutely fucking bonkers, but fuck it.

If you hate me or love me, let me know. Your spite only makes me moister. Also, lemme know if you want me to respond to reviews in this foreward. I'm used to being able to respond directly to reviews, rather than just reading them.

Also, I don't know if I'm going to explicitly write any hentai scenes, I've done it before but it doesn't really fit the story. I might just do a 'they did the thing' kind of deal instead of going into detail. That is, unless people want it, cus then I'll write an entirely separate story just for that. I dont wanna ruin my favorite stoner by making him sex everything.

Just remember, this entire series is rated M for a reason.

Anyway, as usual, stay frosty my friends.

***Introduction Spacing***

"Alright, I'm high now. Now I can get through classes."

"Oniichan, don't you think you smoke too much?"

"Don't use those fancy Japanese names at me Yu."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Thats because its a stupid question, I think I don't smoke enough."

"You have been consistently high for the past week."

"I broke literally every rib on my left side, and five on my left. I have been in so much pain."

"I can always nurse you back to help."

"Sure you will, gonna put on a nurse outfit too?"

"I mean, if you want."

"GYAAAAAAAH!"

"It was delicious as always! Thank you Tsukune!"

A week has passed since the fight with the monster trio. As it turns out, my feeble human body got fucked up. I punctured my left lung and had to stay in the nurse's office for three days. As it turns out, monster bodies heal fast, human bodies don't. Luckily, the nurse had some sort of magic potion that helped heal my faster. Not enough to where I should have left in three days, but enough for me to leave and pretend to be better. I couldn't run, which sucks, and any strenuous activity could possibly cause my lung to rip back open.

Once our large group got back together, we made it to class. To no one's surprise, except mine and Tsukune's, it was time to join clubs. Tsukune immediately began happily giggling to himself.

"This it make you learn about humans and their culture! Now, in order for your human form to be perfect, you must learn about them. And remember this, you must never show your monster form no matter what."

I stopped listening at this point, as I noticed a tail appear from behind the teacher.

"Oh shit man, is our teacher a cat?"

The rest of the class looked behind at me, while the teacher looked behind herself, seeing her tail out.

"Nyaaaow!" And somehow from the back of the classroom the teacher was able to lay two sets of claw marks down my face.

"Not gonna lie, still hot."

***Nya Spacing***

"So, see anything interesting?"

"Nothing yet captain!" Came from my shoulders.

"Well keep lookin, I didn't give you a spyglass for nothin."

"Why do you have a spyglass anyway?"

"For comedic effect, I use it a lot for DnD."

All of us went to the club fair, where various clubs were looking for members. A lot of them seemed weird to me, like an occult club or a potions club. I actually traded 2g for one of their health potions in an attempt to help curb the pain in my ribs. Shit worked wonders, was like a hit of morphine.

"We can cross sports out immediately, I'm too lazy."

"What about that?" Tsukune asked, pointing to a nearby stand.

A woman scantily clad in a bathing suit was posing in front of her stand.

"Hey, Yu, whats the sign say?"

"It says swimming club."

"Then we're passing."

Tsukune looked disappointed immediately, "Why's that?! I happen to be pretty good at swimming!"

"Because the girl who sucks you dry every day can't get into the water. Vampire, remember?"

"Wait, vampires can't get into water?"

"I can't, its true! We have to put special herbs into it in order to bathe ourselves."

"Well darn, guess we should keep looking."

"Tsu, you really need to talk with Moka and learn about her. I'm not even trying to date her and I knew that."

We kept walking, until we happened upon a club that immediately got my attention.

"Oh shit, is this a fencing club?"

"Kendo, actually." came a familiar voice.

"Oh shit, SAIKO!" I said, hugging him.

"Hehe, heya DM, how are you doing? Thinking of joining?"

"Its tempting, but I wouldn't stand a goddamn chance against you."

"Its not your fault you're so tiny so don't let it get you down."

"Hey!" I said, pointing at him, "I can easily change some encounters for later this week."

He laughed and raised his hands in defense. "My apologies your lordship, forgive this humble bard."

"You see the other three anyway, by chance."

His face turned red, and he sheepishly pointed to another stand a little ways away.

"No. Fucking. Way."

"Go see for yourself."

Yukari and I walked over to the stand he pointed at, standing outside and waving a small flag was a bombshell of a girl. Shoulder length black hair. She was thin and flat chested, but wore thigh highs, high heels, and a longsleeve dress with the chest open. It was a perfect cosplay of 2B from Nier: Automata, almost too perfect.

"Holy hotness, how you doin?"

"Allen?!"

"Heya Hiro."

The 'girl' blushed and covered 'her' face.

"I suppose this is more of a hobby?"

"Just shut up and go."

"Hey, Yu, what's the sign say?"

"The Crossdressing club."

"Hmmm… While I'm not joining, I will leave with this," and I leaned closer to him and whispered in his ear. "I'd definitely smash."

And I walked off, leaving the now red Hiro to his vices.

"So, any ideas on what we're going to do?"

"No, none of these clubs look like a good choice."

"I can always just START a club for us, hows a DnD club sound?"

"We should probably ask first, maybe she can give us a list of clubs to look from."

"Fuuuuuuuuuck, that means we have to walk all the way back."

***Awkward Spacing**

As it turns out, she did not have a list of clubs.

"You can always join the newspaper club!"

"That honestly sounds like a shitton more work than I want to do."

"Well its either you join a club or you're forced to leave the school."

"Can we make our own club?"

"Usually, but we're currently full.

"I wanna call bullshit on that, but I honestly couldn't care less. Sign me up then."

"Hehe mrow! I finally got people to sign up."

With that all of us signed up for the newspaper club.

"Aight, bet. Whens the first meeting and what are we writing?"

"The first meeting is tomorrow, and I dunno, thats for you to find out! Toodles!" And she left.

"Well fuck, whats everyone's plans for the day?"

"Moka and I were going to study for test this week." Tsukune said, grabbing Moka's hand and leaving.

"Wait, we have a test? Oh well, and you two?"

Kurumu shrugged while Yukari spoke up, "I'm actually going to a tutoring session, sorry I can't hang out!"

I patted her on the head, much to her glee, "No prob, go get the knowledge. Kurumu, wanna go check out the clubs again? Not to join, but to people watch."

"You know what, I've got nothing better to do, sure!"

Yukari looked peeved, "Don't think of stealing my man!"

"Now that you mention it, he has been looking pretty handsome, what do you say Allen? Wanna see if a Japanese woman stands up to an American one?"

I shrugged, "personally not interested, but you do you. Lets go and harass strangers."

We both left the building, with Kurumu hanging onto my arm. Her cleavage wrapping around my arm which I gotta admit, pretty nice. Except…

"So, how long are you gonna be giving my arm a tit job? Not that I dislike it, just curious… why?"

"N-no reason!" She said, blushing and pulling away.

"Hell nah, you're not gettiin away that easy." I said, wrapping my arm around her shoulder and pulling her closer. "You started this, now you gotta finish it. Where do you wanna look first?"

Kurumu devolved into a stuttering mess.

"Ku, chill, just relax and lets walk."

And we walked around the impromptu fair. Eventually she calmed down and accepted the embrace. We walked around for a while, before not finding anything interesting.

"Alright, screw this, lets go chill in the woods."

"The woods?!"

"Yeah, the woods, are you scared or something?"

"No! Not at all, I just don't think I'm ready…"

"To chill in the woods? Its just trees and shit, its not really something you have to prepare for, but if you don't want to we don't have to."

"No! I want to!" She said, grabbing my arm and forcefully pulling me away from the stands.

"Whoosh, off we go I guess, can you slow down, my ribs still hurt."

"Oh, sorry…"

We continued walking this time at a slower pace. I noticed Kurumu fidgeting the entire time with red face. Eventually we found a nice, secluded place where we could relax, I dropped my bag and turned to her.

"Alright Ku, spit it out. What is going on with you? Do succubi go into heat or something and you're just latching onto the second best guy you know?"

"NO!" She said pushing me down.

"Gah! Fuck my ribs!"

Then she landed on my lap, straddling me. I felt her tail coil around my ankle and saw her wings spread out. Her entire face was a deep red with a furious blush. In her eyes I could see what looked like pink hearts.

"Oh that's kinda hot, wait a minute, no!" I said, trying to push her off only to have her grab my wrist with an unprecedented amount of strength.

"You're not gonna get away from me that easy, Ally."

"Ally? What the fucks goin on Ku, I thought you had a thing for Tsu not me?"

"I know, but I don't know whats going on! Every time I look at you my heart throbs!" She said, taking the hand she was holding and putting on her chest.

"Oooooh tiddy. Wait, wrong head. Ku, lets just calm down and talk."

"Enough talk, its time for action. I heard you talking to Moka, and you're right. They do love each other! But where does that leave me!"

"It leaves you still searching for a destined one, I get it, but what makes you think IM your destined one? I'm just some stoner from the states."

"I don't know if you're my destined one, and right now I don't care! You just… smell… so… _delicious._" And her tail coiled up my pants leg.

"Oh fuck mah dick."

"Get your hands off my destined one!" And Kurumu was flung off of me.

"Oh shit, who rescued me- Gah! Not again!" and a new challenger sat on my lap. "Wait, Hiro?!"

Sitting on my lap was Hiro, still in his dress and face red. He, too, had long bat wings and a forked tail, except the heart on the end was facing the opposite way, with the top facing out.

"Oh fuck are you a succubus too?"

"Incubus, actually, but thats not important!" And we locked lips.

"Hrmph!" I tried to push him off too, only to be met with impossible force. He grabbed both of my wrists and pinned me down, pushing into me.

When he finally let up, he was left panting with a tent forming under the skirt. What caught my attention was the bright pink hearts in his eyes.

I spit off to the side, "Alright, now I know something is up. What the fuck are YOU doing Hiro?"

"Whats it look like, I'm seducing you."

"Yeah, and we're both guys."

"Your point."

"...fair enough, but that doesn't explain how you- and he's gone." As Kurumu returned the favor and pushed him away. Before she could retake her place, now with an added stick shift, I kicked back and pushed myself up against a tree.

"Alright you two, I'll say this once, back off or I'll have to take drastic measures."

The two began approaching me.

"Alright you asked for it, smoke bomb!" And I pulled a small ball out of my pocket and threw it into the ground. It thudded against the soft dirt.

The two stared at it, while I grabbed my bag and dashed.

"Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck."

***RETURN OF THE WHY BONER SPACING***

So, as it turns out, somethings gone horribly fucking wrong.

I am currently stuck inside of a closet, shirtless and covered in cuts. I was able to get away from the succubus and incubus, only to run into a horde of horny teenagers. Several girls, and a couple guys, were currently vying for my pants, and everything they concealed.

When I got out of the forest, the first thing I noticed was the stares I got. In each stare was a bright pink heart.

"Alright, so just a recap, so I can figure out what the fuck is goin on. I woke up. I got dressed. I went to class. Nothing happened. I went to check out the clubs. I gave up on clubs. I talked to the teacher and joined the newspaper club. Nothing happened. Kurumu starting flirting after that, so it has to have happened before then…"

"Ohhhhh Alllllly. Where are youuuuu…"

My breath hitched as I grabbed hold of the closet door handle and tried to still my beating heart.

"He's here somewhere, I can smell him…"

"Shut up bitch! We can all smell him… and its so _tantalizingly delicious_."

"I want that dick!"

Well, I suppose its time I bolted. I pulled a metal tube out of my bag and kicked the closet door open.

"Flashbang out!"

And with a different kind of white flash, I heard a cacophony of screams.

"Deuces and nooses nerds, I'm out! Peace!"

And I ran. My first idea was to the dorm, but then I'm trapped. Then the roof, but again, I'll be trapped. So I decided to leave the school entirely. They can't trap me, if I'm lost in the fucking woods, so I ran.

As it turns out, there were still a lot of students outside. All of which immediately zoned in on me.

"Allen!"

I was suddenly picked up by two sets of burly arms as a green, hulking monster of a man picked me up and ran. One of which covered my mouth so I couldn't scream. At the same time, a large figure loomed over everyone and the entire area was shrouded in shadow.

After running for several minutes, I found myself back into the school in one of the not used classrooms. I was roughly thrown in as two more students ran in. The first, the one that carried me, slammed the door closed and picked up one of the locker closets and set it down infront of the door.

"Oh fuck, oh Jesus, oh god I don't think this is gonna end well for old Allen."

"Shaddup DM. You safe now."

"Wait, Kurt?"

The large green monster with four arms gave me two thumbs up. "Yes! Kurt is here!"

"Thank the nine divine, and you're Rio and Saiko?"

The other two monsters looked very different than their human forms. The normally short Rio was now having to shit down to fit in the room. He looked like a large scarecrow wearing a cloak with a skull mask. Saiko was more feathery, with avian features.

"Yessssssss." Rio said in a whisper of a voice.

"Oof, creepy, but I like it. Thanks guys…"

The three looked at me expectantly.

"What? Wait, don't tell me…" I said, crawling backwards.

"What is going on out there." Saiko said, more of a statement than a question.

"I, for the love of all fuck, have no idea. I've been trying to figure it out all day."

"Well, did someone cast a spell on you? Did you drink anything?"

"No I don- Wait a fucking minute." I reached into my bag and pulled out the flask that the health potion I traded for was in. "Can any of you read this? I don't know Kanji."

Rio took it from my hands with two fingers and pulled it closer to his face, before falling into a laughing fit, something I found extremely creepy as his voice was still whispery. Saiko took it from him and read it outloud.

"Love Pheromones…"

"Are you fucking shitting me. Love pheromones. So I just need to take a shower, right? Or do I need to flush it out of my system?"

"Lets see…." Rio said, reaching into his cloak and pulling out a book, it was attacked to what looked like his ribcage by a chain. He opened it up and began flipping through the pages.

"Is that the book you're always flipping through Rio? What is it anyway?"

"It holds all the knowledge in the world."

"No shit?"

"No, I'm lying. It does, however, contain a copy of every book I find."

"Now THAT is cool shit."

"Indeed." He replied, continuing to flip through the book. "Alright, love pheromone potion… says it wears off in 24 hours."

"So, you're telling me I have to hide for 24 hours."

"Yes."

"Well fuck… wanna get high?"

"Yes."

I pulled out my shit and got ready to party.

***One Smoke Sesh Later***

"So, like, whats the deal with you three. Why'd it effect Hiro and not any of you?"

"Well thats cus none of us are gay."

"Yeah, wait what Hiro is gay?

"Yes, wait, you not know?"

"Nah man, I just figured he was super feminine."

"Nope, super gay. Thats why he dresses like a girl all the time."

"Well shit, fucking cheers to small blessings then." I said, holding up my blunt.

"Cheers." The other three responded, back in their human forms.

"So, how long have we been here?"

Rio looked at his watch, "About two hours."

"Fuuuuuuck, well shit, I think you guys should bounce. Its gettin dark out there and I think its safe enough to hide."

"Alright, but you're coming with us. We'll escort you back to your dorm."

"Aight, bet. Thanks guys."

"Of course Al, we always gotcha back."

Kurt picked up the locker he had placed in front of the door and put it back before sliding the door open. With a cascade of smoke, he stepped out and looked around.

"All clear, good to walk."

So all four of us left the room and made our way silently to the male dorms. As it turns out, the smell of pot did a hell of a good job masking the pheromones. Eventually we made it back to the dorm and we separated since my room was on the top floor and everyone else's were on the other floors. I made it to my room and knocked on the door. Last thing I wanted was someone being in there, and I wasn't going to bother Tsukune if I could help it.

Silence greeted me, so I opened my door. The light was off so I flicked it on and quickly shut the door from the outside. I heard a thump as something ran into the door.

"Owowowowow! Allen you meanie!" I heard from inside my room.

"Yu, is that you?"

"Yes, what was that for!"

"Look, I'll explain everything later, but will you _please_ leave for now. Its not safe to be near me."

"What do you mean? If anything I want to make sure you're okay now."

"Yu, I am warning you right now. You need to get out of my room and leave me alone for the next twelve hours or so. I made a mistake earlier and drank a love pheromone potion."

"Oh, thats all! And here I was worried it was something actually bad. You know witches are immune to that, right?"

"I didn't, you're not just saying that to trick me, are you?"

"C'mon Al, you're not THAT stupid."

"No, I am that stupid, now promise me you're not lying."

"..."

"Thats what I thought, now will you please get out of my room, I'm starting to need to go to the bathroom."

"...I promise I'll be good."

I let out a sigh and began to fidget, getting nervous. I laid my forehead against the door and waited in silence.

"Allen?"

"FUCK!"

I pushed the door open, knocking Yukari out of the way, and barged in. I slammed the door and locked it as I heard someone talking on the other side of my door.

"Quick, Yu, get the febreeze or something and spray it everywhere, I'm getting in the shower and seeing if I can wash some of these fucking pheremones off!" I said, throwing my bag down and running into the bathroom.

Wasting no time I flipped the switch for water and jumped in, not bothering to fine tune the temperature or even take my pants off. I was just lucky I had several pairs of shoes to wear. From the other side of the door I heard the telltale sound of air freshener being sprayed everywhere.

After a couple seconds of silence, I decided to change the water to hot and take the rest of my clothes off, lamenting on the loss of yet another robe and now adding a shirt to the list of things I've lost. I covered myself in shampoo and bodywash, cleaning my entire body around three times.

When I was done, I stepped out and opened the drawers to my sink, pulled out a bottle of cologne and dabbed some onto my neck and wrists, "Just a bit of insurance."

I opened the bathroom door and looked out. Inside Yukari was sitting on a beanbag chair watching my TV.

"Hey… Yu… think you can toss me some clothes?"

"They're already beside the door."

I looked down to find a single pair of boxers.

"Haha, very funny. The rest of it please?"

She remained quiet and continued watching TV.

"Fuck it, don't care anymore. This days been fucking tough enough as is, if I need to tie a loli to a chair I will. Wait, that sounds wrong. Fuck it, boxers then clothes." I said as I grabbed the boxers, dried off, put them on, and walked out.

I saw Yukari staring at me through a mirror, and when we made eye contact she just smiled at me through the mirror.

"Dont give a shit, I'm getting my clothes and going to sleep. I'm guessing you're staying here and waiting for me to fall asleep to sexually assault me?"

"Thats right."

"Yu, you know I love you right? I've seriously had a long, and frankly confusing day and I seriously need some sleep or I'm gonna cry. Would you suffice with a cuddle and nothing else?"

She brought her hand up to her chin and hmmm'd thoughtfully. "Make it a cuddle and three heatpats."

"Hell, I'll do five. Deal."

She got up and ran over, throwing herself into me. "Yaaaay! Headpats!"

I brought my hand down on top of her head and counted them out.

"One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Six…"

"That was one extra!"

"I hate odd numbers."

***Cuteness Spacing***

I awoke the next morning unmolested with a little witch under my covers.

"Oi, Yu, its time to wake up."

She groggily replied with 'five more minutes'.

"Fair enough." and I laid back down. I couldn't go to class today anyway, I still had several hours until the potion wore off.

When I woke back up Yukari was gone and my clock said it was five in the afternoon.

"Alright, think I've got an hour or two left before I'm 100% clean, might as well take another shower just to be sure and get dressed… orrrrr I could go back to sleep."

I looked over at my pillow, its soft, dowry fabrics calling me.

"Nah, fuck it, better be productive and see what Tsukune is doing. Might need to talk to Kurumu and Hiro if I can."

And so I got up and looked around my room. On my nightstand there was a small bottle of red liquid.

"Hell nah, I'm not falling for that again." I said, going to my bag and pulling out the empty flask that had the love pheromones in it. Next I got the new bottle and looked at the lettering on it.

"Well, the symbols look different…" I looked at the bottom of the bottle and found a note stuck to it.

'Here is another health potion, I saw your chest looked worse than before and asked the nurse for one. - Love, Yukari'

"Awww she's too sweet. I'll have to reward her later or something."

***One Shower Spacing Later***

"Todays feelin like a Revolver Ocelot day, lets see if I still have it…" I said, rummaging through my clothes. "Ohhhhh yes you sexy beast."

I pulled out a leather duster and two belts. Putting those to the side and pulling out a regular pair of black pants and a green vest and white dress shirt, I started to get dressed. One belt around my waist and the other around my shoulder to waist. I looked at the holster for a revolver and took it off.

"Probably not good to have a gun in schools. Even if its just the holster. But a knife should be just fine." I said, strapping a knife to the back of my belt under the duster.

I looked into the mirror, noticing the slight stubble coming up. "Hey, you're pretty good." I said, pointing at myself, before scratching my chin. "Might be up to shave tho…"

Once I was dressed and ready to go. I stepped outside and noticed the sun passing down over the horizon.

"Aw fuck, thats a pretty full moon up there. Wonder what the groups up to…"

I put yet another blunt into my mouth, lit it up, and walked across campus to the cafeteria. Inside was Tsukune, sitting alone and covered in bandages.

"Heya Tsu, what the hells goin on with you?"

"Hey Al, sorry, the girls are avoiding me currently. Yukari told us what happened to you by the way, glad to see you survived… and you suddenly turned western."

"Hah, yeah dude. Pretty sure I was gonna die. Or just get molested. Anyways, why are they avoiding you?"

"So, you know how we joined the newspaper club? Well the club leader or whatever he is is a perverted asshole! He was using a mirror on the ground to look up the girls skirts! And then blamed it on me!"

"Which girls? Moka and Kurumu?"

"Yeah, he had Yukari doing something else."

"Then he's lucky, because I'd skin him alive."

"Anyway, we've been trying to find out about a peeping tom that's been around campus, and I think its him! He had me look into a building that happened to be the girls locker room!"

"Did you see anything?"

"Yes! And he got a picture of me doing it!"

"Well shit, looks like we should do something about it."

"No, we're not doing drugs about it!"

"Fuck, you know me too well. Well, do you have any ideas on how to clear your name?"

Tsukune looked down, thinking.

"Well, while you think, I'm getting something to eat…" I said, setting my bag down and walking over to the food area.

I grabbed whatever I could, thanked the lady behind the counter, and went back to Tsukune, noticing someone new at our table.

"Oh shit, Hiro. Hows it goin my dude?"

"H-hey Al." He said, this time in a female school uniform.

"Look, Hiro, don't worry about yesterday. I ended up drinking some kinda love pheromone potion and shit, so a lotta people tried to molest me."

"Yeah… But…"

"Look, before you confess your love to me or whatever you're going to do, I gotta take care of this," I motioned between Tsukune and I, "first. I'm gonna have to kick someone's ass probably so I wanna get this done as soon as possible. You can come if you want."

Under his breath I heard him say 'oh, I want to.'

"Sick nasty, so, Tsu, wanna go to the roof when I finish eating?"

"Why would we go to the roof?"

"Because it helps me think my dude."

"You just want to smoke."

"That too."

***Dinner for Three Spacing***

"So I'm telling you, he's gotta be the culprit!"

"I believe you Tsu, I call dibs on breaking his shins when we catch him."

I opened the door leading to the roof, seeing Moka, Kurumu, and Yukari. In front of them was a what could easily be described as a grey werewolf.

"Wait, shit, I have something for this." I said, rummaging through my bag.

"Nows not the time! Moka, look out!" Tsukune said, running forward.

Immediately, the werewolf disappeared and slashed at Tsukune, causing him to trip and fall beside Moka. Of course, not without having his hand catch on her rosary and tearing it off.

Yet again, something that is becoming far too commonplace at this point, a bright flash of light and a flurry of bats show the released form of Inner Moka. While she was transforming, the werewolf was busy kicking Tsukune while he was down.

"Oh shit, I found it. Hey Moka, catch!" I said, taking the metal cylinder out of my bag and tossing it to her. "That's my last one!"

She scoffed and dropped it. "I don't need your fancy tools for this, he will learn his place."

I leaned over to Hiro. "So, how strong are you, anyway?"

"I'm not too strong, about the same as a succubus."

"A vampire is going to be my woman! But first I have to show you who the pack leader is!"

"Get real you fleabitten fool!" Moka said, trying to stab at him with her hand.

"Hey, what are you aiming at? I'm over here!" Came from behind Hiro and I.

"Yeah, full moon makes werewolves faster and stronger, doesn't it."

"That's right Allen! Vampires are known for their strength, but us werewolves are known for our super speed! Now tell me, whose side are you gonna be on?" The werewolf said, leaning down off of the doorway that connects to the roof.

"Like, dude." I said, taking out another smoke and lighting it up. "I don't even fucking know you man. You gotta give me some incentive to join."

"Wait, Allen! You're not serious, are you?" Hiro asked.

"I mean, if he gives me a good offer, why wouldn't I."

"You treasonous scoundrel! I knew you would betray us eventually!" Inner Moka said

"Hahaha! Thats what I like to hear, how's THIS for incentive! He said, tossing several polaroids down at me. Picking them up, I saw they were various pictures of the day before, with the students nearly molesting me. One in particular was one from this morning, a picture of me and Yukari in bed.

"Awww that shits cute, so you're offering me family photos?"

"No you buffon! Its blackmail!"

"Oh, shit dude you gotta try harder. I actually don't give a single fuck what people think of me here." I said, putting the picture of Yukari and I in my pocket and tearing the rest of them.

"What are you doing?! Polaroid photos are expensive!" He said, appearing in front of my and delivering a single punch to my chest.

The sound of bones breaking followed as I was flung across the roof. I slid across the rough concrete and came to a stop in front of Moka.

She looked down at me and smiled. "Looks like the traitor got what he deserved."

I coughed up a bit of blood. "You fucking idiot, I was stalling so you could think something up."

"I don't need to think up a plan, I just need to beat him up."

"Fuck it, I tried." I said as Hiro, Yukari, and Kurumu ran up to me to help me up.

"Hope you're ready for an asswhoopin! Because as long as the full moon is out I'm the strongest out here!." He said, dashing about the roof.

"Oi, wolfy, fetch!" I said, tossing him the cylinder from before.

"Huh?!" He said, dashing over and catching it. He held it in his hand and looked to me where I jingled the O-ring.

"Chaff grenade, with silver instead of aluminum."

"Oh fu-" He started to say, before it exploded in his hand, sending out an array of silver paper to cover the area and himself. "It burns! It burns all over!"

"Alright Moka, do your fucking thing already."

Moka ran up to him and kicked, sending him flying across the roof and off the side.

She walked up to me and glared down at me.

"Well? Gonna fucking apologize or thank me?"

She bared her fangs at me and pulled me closer before biting into my neck.

"Ow you witty cunt! I said apologize or thank, not punish! For fucks sake do I have to have a spray bottle or something?"

She let go and stepped back before mumbling a 'thank you' under her breath.

"Thats what I fucking thought, goddamit now my chest hurts again. I think I tore my lung again now." I said, taking the health potion from earlier and drinking it. "Thanks by the way Yukari."

"Thanks for what?" She said, coming up and latching onto my leg.

"This potion you left me."

"Oh yeah! I forgot about that!"

"Like I said, thanks. Now lets go relax somewhere, I want to learn about what happened today."

***Storytime Spacing***

"Fuck me mate, sounds like a bad day for everyone."

"Yeah, but now its finally over!" Kurumu said, stretching back and leaning into her chair.

As it turns out, everyone decided to meet up in my room, as it was easy for everyone to sneak into. Everyone took turns telling their story of what happened today. I ended up detailing my story from the day before, omitting some parts that cause both Hiro and Kurumu to blush. I ended up saying that 'a cute boy and girl were fighting over me and that's when I knew something was off'.

After a while, Moka and Tsukune left for his room and I was left with Kurumu, Hiro, and Yukari. The latter of which was now latched onto my side rubbing herself into my arm. All three of them looked at me expectantly.

"Soooooo…."

"I love you."

"My too."

"I love you the most."

"Fuck me."

"If you insist." Kurumu said, grabbing the bottom of her shirt.

"Woah woah woah, its a joke, chill. I didn't sign up for an orgy, my ribs still hurt."

Kurumu looked disappointed, as did the other two.

"Look, I'm gonna be straight up with all of you. I don't know if I love any of you that way, and I don't think any of you love ME that way. As I said before, and I'll fucking say it again. I. Took. A. Love. Pheromone. Potion." I said, punctuating each word by jabbing my finger into the palm of my hand.

"Yeah, we know that already!" Yukari spoke up, still attached to my arm.

"I don't give a fuck if everyone knows that. I will repeat it a thousand times if I need to. And you're not a part of this really, you're still a little sister to me."

"That's not fair!" She said, rubbing against my arm. "Is there really _nothing_ I can do to change your mind?"

I grabbed her with the arm she was straddling and wrapped it around her, pulling her onto my lap. "No, now stay still and stop that. Its nasty."

She began to pout, prompting me to pat her on her head.

"Alright, but what about us two?" Hiro asked.

"Heres the deal. I'm going to give both of you a week to think about it. After that, if you still like me for some reason, we can go on some dates before I actually commit."

"Isn't that a bit hypocritical of you?" Kurumu asked. "You always tell Tsukune to go ahead and ask Moka out, but you're not accepting either of us."

"Well Ku, our circumstances are a bit different. Also, Moka and Tsukune love each other, like, REALLY love each other. You see her give him the good 'ol succ? Thats love."

Hiro looked between the two of us confused, before I pointed to my teeth, to which he let out a 'ooooh' and went quiet.

"Anyway, since we're giving it a week, and its still kinda early… anyone wanna go outside and smoke? Not you Yu, you're too young to smoke."


	7. Snow use Getting High

Heya guys, gonna be a slow week as I ran out earlier and need to buy some more. Either way, here is another chapter. I asked last chapter if people wanted me to respond to reviews, so here you go. Don't expect this to be often, just ask and I'll respond.

You: ZILLAFAN here, Kurumu needs some lovin'. Respond back please.

Me: Absolutely, thanks Zilla. Anyway, I know Kurumu needs some American loving, and I've got a plan for everyone.

You: Why'd you have to go bring in him kissing guys? Seriously was finally getting into this can't find a story without slash on it anywhere

Me: I mean, traps aren't gay my dude. Trust me, I'm a doctor. And as far as 'slash' goes, kissing or shit like that is as far as I'm going. Sex will be in another story, or probably not at all. Also, Rosario Vampire is borderline hentai.

Alright, now thats that done, time to start the story. Again, if you like me or hate me let me know, I know I'm not perfect, I'm just some stoner that likes to write.

As usual my friends, stay toasty.

***Introduction over***

"By the nine divine… I am barely functioning this morning."

"Well, you've been up late every night writing for the newspaper club." Kurumu said from behind me.

"Yeah, I know, but I gotta finish this first chapter for the DnD section by thursday, plus I gotta finish the editing for everyone else's stuff, since I'm the only one here with experience writing."

It's been nearly a week since the whole love pheromone incident, and everyone has been working hard on the whole newspaper club.

" ?"

"Ayo teach, I'm here. Anyway, yeah, I know Yu is helpin me with the editing, but its still a shitton of writing and proofreading. You gotta work harder Tsu, I've seen better writing from my six year old cousin. Full offense meant."

" ?"

"None taken, present!"

"And finally, ?"

The class was silent as the teacher called out every student for roll call.

"Wait, Tsu, correct me if I'm wrong, but has that desk in front of you always been empty?"

"Yes, wait, has it? I thought that…" Tsukune said, before being cut off as the door to the classroom opened.

In walked a purple haired girl, wearing a cut-off long sleeve shirt with the shoulders exposed and a tank top underneath. She also wore the school skirt, with long purple striped stockings.

I couldn't help but gawk at her. Before I was smacked in the back of the head by Kurumu.

"Ah, geez mate, did you hafta hit me that hard?"

The new girl walked past all of us and sat on the desk in front of Tsukune.

"I'm thrilled you're glad to join us today! Anyway, since we have a new student I suppose introductions are in order! This is Mizore Shirayuki! Due to some outside circumstances, she's been unable to attend class. Please be nice and treat her like a friend!"

I couldn't help but spend the rest of the day stealing glances over towards her.

After classes, we all met up. Apparently, everyone wanted to get together and prepare for a party. Moka, Tsukune, and Kurumu wanted to celebrate the release of our first successful paper.

"Alright, we'll buy snacks and head to the party!" Moka said, looking over a list she had in her hands.

"Hey, Al, I've got a snack with your name on it." Kurumu said, brushing up against me.

"Yeah…"

"C'mon Kurumu! We have stuff to take care of!" Moka grabbed Kurumu and began pulling her away.

"Wait! No! Ally, save me!"

"Hey, Al, you doing okay brother?" Tsukune said, snapping his fingers in my face.

"Wha? Ah shit, my bad bro, I think I was just zoning out or something. That girl from before got my head all fuzzy."

"What girl?"

"Fucking christ! Why does everyone want to sneak up on me!" I said, turning around to see the girl from this morning, Mizore.

"Uhhhhhh… Fuuuuuuuck. Hello."

"Oh, you're Mizore, right? Whats up, do you need something?" Tsukune said, taking initiative.

She responded by holding out a crumpled up newspaper.

"I read your newspaper."

"Oh, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"Which one of you is Allen?"

"Oh no."

Tsukune pointed to me and I paled.

"Uh, hello! Mizore, right? How can I help you?"

"Are you the one writing about the games?"

"The games? Oh, you mean DnD?"

"Yes, 'Deen Dee', what's it about?"

"We can talk about it more, if'n you'd like? Tsukune is the one who wrote the 'Small Life' stories in the paper."

She opened up the paper and looked it over trying to find Tsukune's section. "Doesn't look interesting."

"Oof, I mean, it's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's pretty good. Don't diss him like that."

"I'm not interested in him, I'm interested in you." She said, taking out a book and handing it to me. "Even when I wasn't in school, always brought me a paper. Ever since you started writing it's become so much more interesting. Of all the articles I love your stories the most. They're so detailed and complex, I've saved every single one." She said, in a completely monotone voice.

"Oh really? That's super nice actually, glad to see someone actually likes my stories…" I said, opening up the book. The book was full of snippets of the paper, all of which was in English. Little notes were written in the side in a mix Kanji and English. Most of the notes were little bits about how much she loves me or my writing. I turned to Tsukune and mouthed 'oh fuck'.

"I wrote some of my own ideas and thoughts along the margin, do you like?

Tsukune looked over my shoulder and paled. "What the hell. Is she some kinda stalker or something?" He whispered into my ear.

She crossed her legs and looked up to me. "Its just… I love everything you write. You always write fantastical stories about growing stronger, and I like to put myself into those stories."

"Yeah, that's what DnD is about, magic and shit…"

"Everything you write… it fits in perfectly for me. But it feels personal, like you wrote it for me…" She said, latching onto my arm.

"Uhhh, what?"

"You must be lonely, writing to an innocent girl like me. I knew since I saw you the first day here that you would be a nice guy… would you like to go for a walk with me?"

"Uhhh, sure I guess, party ain't for a while and I could go for a smoke break." I leaned back towards Tsukune. "Hey, mate, I'm gettin a bad feeling about this, can you make sure the girls are prepared to dash when you get there. I got a feeling I'm about to get Bill Cosby-ed."

"I don't know what you mean, but sure. I'll tell them."

"Aight, thanks boss. Alright Mizore, lets chill."

"Heh, funny choice of words…"

***This isn't going to end well***

We walked into the woods until we found a nice pond, and I spoke up.

"Hey, so you said you met me the first night… what did you mean by that?"

"Don't you remember? You were smoking on the roof and you caught me."

"Ohhhhh shit, yeah I remember that. Sorry, I was really high. Which reminds me…" I said, rummaging through my bag and pulling out a joint. "Would you care to partake in my swamp grass? That's not an innuendo, I swear, I just like to get high before I eat."

She let out the cutest giggle I've ever heard and replied, "No thanks, I much prefer to watch you smoke…"

I pulled a blanket out of my bag and sat it on the ground before sitting down. She started to gather small rocks and took a seat beside me, tossing the occasional rock across the water and skipping it.

"Ayyyy nice toss!" I said, taking a puff and picking up a rock and tossing it, causing it to plop into the water, causing her to let out another giggle. "I'm better than this I swear."

"Have you tossed stones before?" She asked, tossing another one. "Oh! That one skipped nine times! Isn't that cool!"

"Ah, I can't be outdone, watch this." I said, standing up and picking up a flat stone. "YEET!"

*Plop plop plop plop plop plop plop plop splash*

"Shit. Eight."

"Guess I'm the winner!"

We spent a couple minutes tossing stones until my entire join was gone. I snuffed the roach and put it into a metal tube that I keep my spares in.

"Aight, I probably should go. I can't be late to that party, wanna come?"

She ran up to me as I was folding up my blanket and latched onto my back.

"Hey! You can't leave just yet! You only got eight skips! You can't leave until you beat my record!"

"Yeahhhh, but I legit gotta go. Like I said, you're free to join."

"..."

"..."

"Well-"

"You wanna go to the buddy-buddy club of yours, huh?"

"I mean-"

"Kurumu and Yukari… that's your little harem, right? Along with that Hiro boy…"

"Aight, first off, wait, is it gettin chilly out here?"

"You really want to see them, right? If you don't stay, there's no telling what I might do to them."

Suddenly a chill ran up my back, as I felt my fingertips freeze and my hair stand on end.

"Fuuuuuck, not again."

"All you have to do is be mine and mine alone, thats it… kay?"

"Alright, hold it." I said, turning around and grabbing her by the shoulders. "You, by far, are for some reason the most beautiful girl I've met, and thats compared to a fucking succubus. You know? The literal embodyment of sexy, its their whole thing."

"Oh yeah?"

"Fucking yeah! But I already made a promise to those three, if you would have come and asked me literally a week ago, I would have absolutely said yes, but it's too late for that. Why not wait until I get an update from those two, because Yukari doesn't count, she's still a kid."

"And you think thats gonna stop me?"

"Well, no, but- FUCK!" I was roughly grabbed and tossed into the lake, smashing down onto the surface and the entire body of water froze over. "This… this is not good. So, any reason why you're doing this? Or am I just that much of a catch?"

"I'm not going to let you get away from me…"

I stood up and reached a hand into my bag, "You wouldn't happen to be a demon or something, would you?"

"You really haven't seen a snow woman before? A Yukionna?"

"Nah, lesse here…" I said, taking a book out of my bag. "Waitaminute, Yuki-yuki-yuki… Y-y-y-... Ah! Yukionna! A spirit in japanese folklore… I suppose this'll work then." Putting the book back into my bag, I pulled out a small baseball bat, about two feet long, covered in various talismans and carved with runes. Ice began to run up my legs as the area continued to get colder and colder.

"What… what is that?"

"I call 'er Babe. Kind of a prototype, I just glued a shitton of wards on it and carved the nordic rune for protection on it, I kinda figured it might work against demons. Now please don't make me hit you, I would feel really bad about hitting a cute girl like yourself, but I REALLY don't want to die cold."

The ice suddenly sprang upward, covering my torso and causing me to shiver violently.

"Don't you understand? It was fate we were brought together. We are both oh so lonely and I can feel the connection we have... Embrace me, so we can warm each others frozen hearts…"

"I mean, kinda hot, but I can't really do any of that when I'm frozen to death. You know that, right?"

"If I unfreeze you, will you run away?"

"I mean, I was planning on it, but you'll probably kill me and keep my body like a living dildo, so fuck it. C'mere Frosty."

"Frosty?"

"Yeah, like the… nevermind, just stop the ice already, I can't feel my legs."

She stopped the ice and got closer, her hands encased in ice and forming claws.

"Just stop struggling, once I completely freeze you you'll never run away again."

"Thaaats what I was afraid of."

"ALLY! GET AWAY FROM HER YOU ICE BITCH!"

"Thank fuck they're here."

In flew Kurumu, Hiro, and Yukari, with Moka and Tsukune running far behind.

"But how… my puppet should have killed all of you."

"I baked a cake full of my love juices for Ally, and I had to ruin it over your ice dolls face!"

"Hehe, phrasing… wait, what the fuck do you mean by 'love juices'?"

"You stay out of my way!" She screamed, finally letting some emotion out as a shower of ice filled the area and a large shard flew up into the air towards the trio. Kurumu and Hiro had to dodge out of the way, but Yukari was hit by a shard and fell off of her broom.

Yukari slid down the ice, directly into me, causing it to shatter and free me.

"Fuck… Why do people keep trying to break my ribs…"

I stood up, picking Yukari up in the process, and looked around. Kurumu and Hiro landed beside me and began to dust me off.

"Oh jeez! Are you okay Ally?"

"That bitch better not have touched one hair of that shaggy mane of yours…"

"Alright, bad touch, HEY! Watch the dick!"

"You three! How dare you get in the way of our true love. You all need to just disappear." Mizore said, her claws growing again.

"Aw fuck, alright thats it." I said, pushing the two behind me and setting Yukari down. "You need to fucking stop mate, I get you're moist and shit, but you seriously need to quit it. Imma tell you the same thing I told those two. I get your feelings, but I need time to think about it. I JUST met you today, didn't even know your name before a couple hours ago, and it's first come first serve, they asked first."

"Why are you trying to stop me? You of all the people here should know we share something special."

"Look, you're not even a stoner. And as much as I got a thing for big tiddy goth gf's, you just need to stop."

"Are you… are you rejecting me?"

"I'm telling you to stop, not rejecting you, get it right. What's up with people trying to force love when its not there. Let a fella get to know you first."

"Hypocrite."

"Fuck off Moka, I'm freezing and not in the mood."

"You don't care about my feelings?! Allen!" She began to cry, and screamed out my name, causing a snowy fog to surround us and obstructing our vision. When it disappeared, she too was gone.

"Well fuck, that ended about as well as it could… now what the fuck was that about 'love juices' and why the fuck did you put it into a cake?"

"Where do you think she went?"

"Just ignoring me? Aight, fair… wait, is the ice breaking?" I said, looking down at the ice cracking. "I'm going to fucking kill myself.

***I hate being cold***

"I-I-I-I s-swear to fucking god I-I'm going t-to start a fire and burn this b-bitch down."

"My cakes ruined thanks to frosty the snow skank!"

"Are you still going to ignore the whole nectar thing? I really want an explanation on that."

"Wow, you three really got the short end of the stick, huh?" Yukari said, not freezing.

"Not all of us have the reaction time of a bullet and the magic to summon a broom."

"You didn't ask."

"I didn't fucking know the ice was gonna break."

There was a knock on the door and Miss Nekonome walked in.

"Oh thank goodness! You guys are still here!"

"I wish I died."

"What's wrong miss? Did something happen?" Tsukune asked, standing up.

"Yes! Your classmate Mizore has gone and gotten herself into a lot of trouble!"

She led us to the nurses office where the gym teacher was wrapped head to toe in bandages.

"Mizore did this?" Moka asked. "She went and froze Mr-"

"Aight, I'm gonna stop you right there. When the fuck did she have the time to do that. And WHY the fuck would she do that?"

"Hey! Don't use that language around a teacher!"

"I don't give a shit Tsu, something isn't adding up. I want proof!"

"Proof? Who needs proof? He told us himself that she was the one that did it."

"Aight, bet. Except how the fuck did he do that if he's unconscious? Did he write a note in blood like a mystery novel?"

"Shut up child, Mizore was a problem child from the start. Honestly, I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner."

"Aight, you obviously have some beef with her, or you just wanna suck his dick, honestly I don't care, but I've seen that guy eye-raping girls left and right and I don't believe that shit at all. I'm gonna find her myself and ask."

"Really? You wanna find that snow skank? After everything that happened?"

"Fuck yeah I do, I don't like that cunt anyway, gives me the creeps. Plus, kid seemed lonely."

"But, where is she now?" Moka asked.

"For now the entire faculty is looking for her. When we find her, she will be expelled immediately."

"But, that doesn't make sense. Why would she go after him?"

"My guess is she went loony after Ally rejected her!"

"Goddamit Yu, please don't call me Ally."

"Yeah, that's probably true, given her personality I wouldn't put it past her."

"Back to ignoring me, well fuck this if I'm not wanted I'm looking for her."

I walked out of the room and let the others talk it out.

"Aight, now if i was a precarious student that just got rejected, where would I go. Dammit, she went to the cliff by the bus stop, didn't she? Why the fuck does it always go back to the bus stop."

I left the building and ran out past the woods and to the bus stop. I've been here so long I know shortcuts around the grounds to everywhere and anywhere. After a while of running, something I was in no shape to do, given my hypothermia, I made it to the bus stop and saw a figure standing for off near the cliff.

"Please don't jump, please don't jump, please don't jump."

"Allen? Is that you?"

"Jesus fuck Mizore, please don't fucking jump!"

"I didn't plan on it, what are you doing here?"

I finished running up to her and stopped to catch my breath.

"Fuck its… fucking dammit it still hurts… hey... did you happen to freeze the gym teacher?" I said, in between gasps.

She began to cry and hold onto her stomach.

"Ah shit, look I just wanna know. I don't even blame you, the fucker had it coming."

"It's just too much Allen. I thought… I thought you would understand me and love me. But the truth is, I was wrong! No one will understand me!" She screamed, ice forming around the area.

"Allen! Wait!"

"Fuck off, what now?" I said, turning away from the impending blizzard.

"We found out what happened, and we have proof!" Yukari said, running up and tossing a bunch of pictures into my hands.

"Dammit, my hands are still freezing, I cant hold these… wait, is he trying to tentacle rape her?"

"She was defending herself."

"Oh shit, fair enough. Ay Mizore! You're good, we got proof it was self defense!"

"Go away! Just stay away from me!"

Suddenly several ice clones appeared around us.

"Just shut up and die! Freeze to death for all I caaaaare!" She said, suddenly screaming as the cliff she was on began to break.

"No you fucking dont!" I said, running forward and grabbing her hand

"What are you doing? Even after everything I've done, you still risk your life to save me."

"Less talk more pull! I can't hold on long as I CANT FEEL MY FUCKING FINGERS GODDAMIT!"

"I'm so lonely, just let me die…"

"Goddammit you depressive bitch who gives a shit! I'll be your friend, we all will, just fucking WORRY ABOUT IT WHEN WE'RE NOT GOING TO BOTH DIE!"

I heard footsteps as the ice clones from before began to approach us.

"Oh fuuuuuck, this isn't good, can you stop those things before they fuck me up?"

"It's no use, i can't control them."

"Well, lets try this then. TSUKUNE! DO THE THING!"

"Oh right!" I heard from behind me, followed by a flash of light.

"Alright, we're good. Let Moka crush the ice and we're FUCK!" I felt something stab into my leg and a cold frost form on my skin as I started to slide closer to the edge.

"GODDAMMIT MOKA! CAN YOU TRANSFORM FASTER IF I DIE I'M GONNA COCKBLOCK YOU UNTIL YOU DIE!"

"The only ones dying here today, are the lot of you!"

As she said that the ice clones immediately shattered and I felt myself being picked up and thrown away from the cliff. Mizore came with me and landed on top of me.

"God- fucking- you know what forget it. I'm too cold to care."

"Is this seriously all I was called out for? Some snow cones and a rude welcome?"

Mizore stood up and brushed herself off, turning away from Moka. "If you're looking for thanks then forget it."

Moka reared her leg back and kicked Mizore, causing her to fly off. Next she stood over me.

"Look, I'll kiss your feet mate, just don't kick me."

She picked my up by my shirt and bit into my neck.

"You know, I honestly don't give a shit anymore. Just suck me dry."

"Suggestive, but no thanks. This blood is enough repayment." She said, dropping me back onto the ground and walking to Mizore. "Now, listen up snow woman. Don't run your mouth about dying until you've actually tried to live your life."

"Yeah, fair enough… but from that kick I may actually die." Mizore said, passing out.

"Alright, can someone help me up? I can't feel anything anymore."

***Back in the club room*

We eventually all made it back, I made haste in pulling out my blanket and covering myself.

"You did a good job finding Mizore, Allen! Thanks to all of you she's no longer going to be expelled!"

"Yeah, whoop-de-fucking-doo. Can you let me die in peace already? I can't feel my feet… wait did it just get colder in here?"

I looked up to see Mizore staring at me through the opening in the door.

"What. The. Fuck. Wait, did you cut your hair? Looks cute." I said, before sneezing viciously into a tissue.

She came in completely and began to blush, causing Kurumu, Hiro, and Yukari to glare at me.

"I decided to shorten it? Does it look okay?"

"It looks amazing on you!" Miss Nekonome said.

"I know it sounds cheesy, but I feel reborn. So I thought I should change my hair."

"You look beautiful! Makes you look photogenic… what's say we snap a photo of you real quick?" Gin said, taking out his camera and taking a shot.

"Oh yeah! Good job on those photos Gin! Without you we couldn't prove Mizore's innocence!" Moka spoke up.

"Hehehe, I guess I am pretty cool and useful huh?"

"Mate, you literally have panty shots and shit hanging out of your pocket."

Kurumu quickly grabbed the photos and looked at them, proving me right.

Tsukune leaned over to me and asked, "How did you know those were there?"

"I didn't, I've just come to realize that fucker is a pervert. Also, why the fuck else would he have photos in his pocket, you could literally see them hanging out. At least put them in the inside pocket."

I watched as Kurumu and Yukari beat the shit out of Gin. In the commotion, Moka and Tsukune snuck out and left me alone with the rest of the group. Mizore slid up beside me and took the chair Tsukune left.

"Sooooo, about earlier."

"Look, just wait, I have to talk with Hiro and Kurumu first. I'll tell you what happens later."

"If it matters, I don't mind being a mistress."

"I'll think about it."

Eventually Gin was able to escape and it was just Kurumu, Yukari, Hiro, Mizore, and I was left alone. Mess Nekonome left some time ago in the middle of the scuffle. We all decided to yet again move to my room, which was slightly awkwards as the girls had to wait until it got dark and sneak in through my window.

I noticed that my speaker and music player were missing, and that there was loud music playing from Tsukune's room.

"Heh, nice. What's say we take our party to the roof? I've got a hankering for some smoke and I'm sure y'all have something you want to talk about."

They all nodded and I grabbed several blankets and went through the window. After setting them all up, and giving everyone their own blanket, I started taking all my tools out. I grabbed a water bottle, a bong, and a baggy full of pot.

"What's that?" Hiro asked.

"Wait, have I seriously never shown y'all Esmerelda?"

"Esmerelda?" The girls asked in unison.

"Yeah, my bong. I named her cus she's my baby. She gets me real fucked up, check it." I said, dumping the entire water bottle into the bong and filling the bowl.

They watched as the entire neck filled up with smoke, letting a bubbling noise out. I took the stem out and sucked in, filling my lungs entirely.

After a couple seconds, and my face turning red, I slowly let it all out.

"Hwoah…"

"I gotta try this!" Hiro said, taking it and lighting it up.

We all took turns, except Yukari, and after a good thirty minutes, and a couple coughing fits, I set it off to the side.

"Sooo… about… fuck I'm high… we were gonna talk about something…"

"When are we gonna fuck?" Kurumu asked.

"Ah yeah… that… so, do y'all still have feelings for me and shit?"

"Yup." "Yeah." "Absolutely."

"Fuck, alright, so I gotta choose one of you then…"

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you have to choose?"

"I mean, wouldn't y'all get pissed if I dated all of you?"

The three looked between each other, before nodding.

"Why not just have a harem? That's common in the monster world after all, especially between succubi."

"Yuki-onna are usually selective, but I don't mind sharing if it means I get to have you."

"Incubi are the same, I don't care personally."

"Don't leave me out of this!" Yukari said.

"We are cus you're still a kid, wait till you turn 18 Yu, I don't care what monster laws say. Anyway, are you three serious?"

"Absolutely!" They said.

"Alright, well, can I tell y'all something first? You need to know this because it's a deal changer."

They all sat up and stared at me.

"Well… Fuck, I might as well say it. I'm a human."

They all stared at me for a second before laughing.

"Ohhhh, thats funny, if you don't want to date us that bad just say no!"

"He actually said he's a human! Don't be silly Ally, humans can't be here."

"A human…"

I waited for them to calm down.

"Wait… are you being serious?"

"Relationships are about trust. We can't do this if I'm lying to all of you."

Suddenly they all got very serious.

"Is that why you've never shown your monster form?" Kurumu asked. "And why you always smelled so good?"

"Yeah, I'm just a human. I don't have a monster form or anything like that. It's just me." I said, spreading my arms out.

They all remained quiet. Before Mizore spoke up.

"I don't care. I still love you." She said, standing up and sitting on my left side.

"And you three? I understand if you hate me now, and if you want to report me I understand, just let me know so I can leave. I trusted all of you to tell you, and I understand if this is a deal breaker.

Yukari began to cry and jumped into my lap. "I don't care if you're a human either! Just don't leave me! Witches are practically humans anyway, so please don't leave!"

I wrapped my arms around the two of them, looking at Kurumu and Hiro. They looked between each other before nodding again.

"Incubi and Succubi believe in following their destined ones to the end. Just because you're a human doesn't change anything. In fact, it makes us want to protect you more." Kurumu said.

"I, personally, don't care if you're human. You could be a slime monster for all I care, I'm here for Allen, not for what Allen is."

"Aw shucks guys… I think I'm gonna cry."

Kurumu sat behind me, straddling me and bringing my head between her breasts. Hiro took my hand and held it on my right side.

"If you're okay with monsters, we're okay with you being human."

"Yeah, I'm gonna cry. I love you guys."

We had a small group hug and separated, going inside my room.

"Soooo, Kurumu, what the fuck was that about 'love juices' earlier?"


End file.
